Love of the Light and the Dark
by Artika
Summary: Lily sees Severus again after Hogwart's and everything between them changes. AU. Severus/Lily, sort of James/Lily. Rated for adult situations and language.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. All things recognizable and not are property of JK Rowling.

A/N: Had this idea for quite some time...not sure if I've executed it well, but I haven't stopped writing since Friday, so we shall see. Inspired by a review I got once wanting a happy ending for Severus and the song Say It Right by Nelly Furtado. I don't know if this will have a happy ending or not, but in the beginning, I thought it might. So, enjoy or not and we shall see what happens.

She sat alone in the glade even after the sun had set. Her mouth was dry and her stomach churned like a windmill or flock of birds confined in a small space. She capped the bottle in her hands and tossed it to her side.

"Fine mess you've gotten yourself into now, isn't it, Lily?" she said, not as softly as she expected and giggled drunkenly.

Since the death of Lily's mum, she could not spend more than an hour in her parents' house without breaking into tears, hysterics or worse. And today was especially bad. Her father had left for a job in Scotland in the morning and Petunia---well, even if she was home, it wasn't like she was any real company for Lily.

And so, when her plans with Alice had fallen through, Lily had been bereft. She had nowhere to go.

She hadn't been thinking straight when she'd left the house and grabbed the small bottle of whiskey her father had left in the kitchen. She had held off drinking until she wandered into the glade by the river--her second home before Hogwart's, first for Lily and Petunia, then for Lily and Severus.

As Lily watched the sun set beneath a tree in the hidden spot, tears fell for all she had once had and believed in: a whole, loving family, a brilliant best friend and a wonderful naivete about the world. A belief in good...in doing the right thing. That no matter what, it would all just work out in the end.

Wallowing in her self-pity and mourning, Lily had sat and drank - well, tried to. The first few sips made her feel very warm...after a few more, she found it far easier to lose track of her thoughts and worries. From crying to giggling...it all flowed through her, like water over stones, eroding the pain.

She didn't hear the person making their way into the glade until Severus stepped through and stood frozen, his eyes riveted on her in the gathering darkness.

Despite the time gone by and the hurt shared, Lily found herself smiling at the look of sheer shock on her once-friend's pointed face. His gaping mouth revealed his crooked teeth and Lily found herself eerily transfixed by them.

There didn't seem to be a pattern behind his teeth, but there was something uniquely inviting about their imperfection. There was one tooth that drew Lily's eye over and over - on the bottom...it was nearly turned ninety degrees from it's appropriate place.

Severus must have noticed her stare, as his mouth slammed shut to a thin line and his eyes narrowed slightly, as if holding back something.

"What on Earth are you doing?"

She sat up a bit. "I was enjoying the sunset."

He gave her a doubtful look. "The sun has now set. You need to go straight home." He stepped nearer, keeping his eyes on her. The silence was thick as she held his gaze. She wasn't going to look away first.

His eyes darted away, to her side.

Too late, she realized he'd seen the whiskey. Severus easily grabbed it before she could, lifting the bottle close to his face and sniffing the cap lightly.

His expression brought giggles to Lily's lips and she found herself riveted by Severus. It was dark, but the shadows seemed to accent his traits. The arrogant posture, the careful face, his long limbs and hair...yes, Lily noted it all, but when she saw his hands, she inhaled sharply.

Thin, pale-as-milk fingers so tightly wrapped around the dark bottle - a bottle she was certain looked far larger in her hands - his knuckles were taut and white. She had never before noticed his hands. This surprised her, but then she also reminded herself, we've been apart...he is taller too. At the thought, she looked up and met his eyes. The look on his face gave Lily pause - she held her breath.

_He is so different from James._

She couldn't help but compare them and she couldn't figure out, for the life of her, why. James was her boyfriend. Someone she had been very intimate with. Severus was someone who used to be her best friend. He was possibly a Death Eater. He was someone she didn't know anymore.

Her tipsy brain compared them anyway.

While she found enjoyment in James' rough, thick hands and he was wonderful to hug, being only a bit taller than herself. Severus' shoulders, hunched slightly, were so high above her and his hands so...delicate and graceful.

She found herself staring at his hands again and suddenly, the differences...the things that made Severus different seemed like good things...interesting things. Lily reached her hand out to Severus, lifting her eyes to his confidently.

She could only see part of his face, but the scowl was unmistakable even as his clammy hand gripped hers. She held it firmly for a second, trying to catch his eye, but he seemed determined to look everywhere, but at her.

She tugged on his arm - lightly, she thought - and he tumbled on top of her. She gasped - more out of reflex than actual shock, and he began to mutter and scramble to move away.

Lily put her hands on his shoulders, gripping tightly, and he stilled, finally meeting her eyes, his arms planted over her shoulders and his knees to one side of her waist.

He looked beyond frightened - sweat had broken across his brow, his eyes were wide and his body held a tenseness that had to be uncomfortable.

She couldn't help but smile at him, her brain still foggy, her movements erratic.

"You are beautiful, Severus."

He squeezed his eyes shut and made to move away, but when Lily tightened her grip on his shoulders, he stilled.

"I mean it. I know we don't speak...we are no longer friends, but you should know. You have the most beautiful hands I've ever seen and ---mmph"

His lips crashed onto her mouth, halting her ramblings and she relished the feel of his lips on hers and forced her tongue into his mouth; her only thought was rubbing the tip of her tongue against his crooked bottom tooth.

Before she could do it, he pulled away, up onto his palms instead of his elbows. "You're drunk."

She shook her head, smiling. "I'm not. Just a bit tipsy really."

He eyed her, but didn't say anything.

"Really, Severus. I...I'm glad you're here. I wanted to talk to you." He still didn't speak or move. She fidgeted a bit. "I'm...I'm sorry."

His eyes narrowed. "For what?"

"For not accepting your apology. For giving up on you. For expecting the worst." She tucked his hair behind his ear, letting her fingers linger on his cheek. "I have missed you."

He stared into her eyes, searching for something.

Finally, she could take the waiting no longer. "Do you accept my apology?"

His eyes closed. "Yes, of course." His eyes opened again, his face close to hers. "Lily, I--"

She cut him off by kissing him. Her hands slid from his shoulders to his neck to his scalp. His hair was fine, but she could feel each individual hair under her fingertips, soft but firm. Despite the slightly greasy texture, she massaged his scalp, which also allowed her to draw him closer and deeper into the kiss.

Severus made no sound until one of Lily's legs wrapped around him and he suddenly pulled away, leaving her mouth agape, eyes closed.

"Lily..." Severus said, grabbing her hands and holding them down by her sides. He was surprisingly strong for such a thin person.

"What?" she asked, her face hardening. "Am I so awful?"

This had the intended effect - he loosened a bit and his frown eased some. Instead, his eyes searched hers as he held her wrists pinned at her sides. She wasn't putting up a fight though.

"You know it is not that." He sounded so sad. "You taste like whiskey."

At that, Lily blushed furiously and she couldn't help but notice the position she was in with her former best friend. She was glad it was dark...so he wouldn't see her flush and heavy breathing.

He sat very still for a moment and when his eyes opened again, Lily saw the shift. She felt the subtle tightening of his grip.

"I do not know if I can trust you. Is Potter or Black about to hex me?" He just stared into her eyes.

She smiled widely and leaned forward to whisper to him. "Don't you think he would have done so when you kissed me?" She laid back down. "He is where he belongs. As am I. As are you." She lightly pressed her lips to the bend of his jaw.

She heard him sigh and felt it against her hair. She knew he would not disappoint her. He would do whatever she pleased. For she was the lucky one. Maybe, she reasoned with her sodden mind, if I can show him the beauty - the unique _thing _that attracted her to him...maybe he could use it to attract others...

She didn't particularly care for the idea of others, but she tried not to think of what that meant.

His lips met hers and this time when she slid her tongue into his mouth, he didn't pull away, instead moving his tongue with hers, following her lead. A shiver ran down her spine. The newness, the scent of his skin, the emotions, the voice, the hands...nothing like James.

_Should she worry about James?_

She tried to focus on the idea, but suddenly her hands were free and she immediately looped them around her snogging partner to pull him atop her into a crushing embrace, his body finally pressed against hers.

She could've sword she'd heard a groan from him, but she thought that she might have imagined it in it's softness. There was no denying the hardness pressing against her in an enticing manner...a tangible reminder of how much he was enjoying himself. He kept trying to pull his hips away from hers though and Lily would use her legs to pull him back. After a bit of this, Severus was left nothing short of a panting mess and finally he had to stop her by pinning her hands again.

"I'm getting tired of this thing you have with holding my wrists."

He eyed her, still catching his breath, but she didn't look away. "I'm trying to protect you." He slid his hold from her wrists to her hands. "Better?" he asked sarcastically.

Lily giggled and threaded her fingers through his, then kissed the tip of his nose.

He glared. "Don't."

"Why not?"

"Must I give you a reason for everything I say? We will be here all night if that is the case!"

"That is not an answer, Severus."

"I don't like my nose, okay?"

Lily eyed him. "I like it. It's unique. I bet only people in your family have that exact nose. Besides, I don't like my ears, but you can kiss them."

He was silent for a long moment. "I am under no illusions that I am, by any means, pleasant to look at, but---"

"No!" she exclaimed. "Honestly! I like that you're different. The way your hair contrasts against your skin, the way your fingers hold your wand...the spot where your jaw meets your ear...it's so angular...so... I don't know." She suddenly felt embarrassed and turned, stifling a giggle. "If only we could've stayed friends."

He turned his head, his hair spilling into her face, but his hands moved to her neck and he placed them there delicately, just resting on her bared neck.

She couldn't help but smile and wonder if Severus had ever read on Muggle psychology. Of course not, she chided herself, moving her free hand around him.

He was rubbing the pads of his thumbs over the thin skin of her neck. "I didn't know skin could be so soft."

She was pretty sure it was the alcohol, but Lily pulled her sweater and shirt up, exposing her stomach, then brought his trembling hand to her waist. "I bet this is much softer."

He locked eyes with her as his fingers slid smoothly over her stomach, stopping just short of her breasts. He paused, slid his hand slowly across the bottom of the left, then the right before withdrawing his hand.

"Lily, you've been drinking."

"So? I am curious with or without whiskey. Besides, this seems like a," words escaped her for a moment, "...a good way to say goodbye." She swallowed hard. "A better last memory of a dear friend than the one you left me with before."

She felt him tense and held to him. After a few moments, when she pulled back to see him fully, he captured her lips in a voracious kiss that left her breathless and on her back, her limbs wrapped around him. He propped up on his elbows with his hands in her hair, kissing her lips and then her cheeks, nose, chin, eyebrows. The wet kisses of enthusiasm, not of experience, made them all the sweeter. To see his desire for her overcome his fear, his wariness and his natural paranoia.

Lily had a feeling Severus might be a bit "different" when it came to her, but she wasn't really sure. She had heard rumors about him and one Slytherin girl, but she couldn't imagine him kissing any one else.

She let his hands roam and one hand soon returned to her stomach. She figured she was free to do the same and went for the waistband of his pants with both hands...intending only to untuck his shirt...

Severus seemed to think she had other ideas and grabbed her hands, pulling them to his chest. She started unbuttoning his shirt, but after two buttons, he was stopping her.

"Lily, please..." he did indeed sound desperate. It was now so dark they could only really see glimpses of shadows and light colors glowed softly in the dark. Mostly, they just felt each other.

"Lily, I..." he sounded surprisingly apologetic. "There are some areas where I have more self-control than others." A sigh. "When it comes to you; well, I have proven to have very little."

"Come now, Severus, I've grown and matured since we were friends, haven't I?" she said, pressing her body against him.

"That has little to do with it."

Lily couldn't help but be surprised. "Wait, are you saying I'm not attractive?"

"Oh stop that Lily. You know perfectly well you are far from ugly." He sighed again. "I was referring to..." he seemed to run out of words. Another sigh. He kissed her neck gently. "I've known you for so long. You mean so much to me."

"Meant."

"Meant?"

Lily nodded and quickly found the spot where Severus' jaw met his ear. She kissed it, tongued it, breathed on it. By the time she moved to his actual ear, his grip on her had tightened and she knew he was enjoying himself.

"So you like the inner me---is that what you're saying?" she whispered, his hair brushing her cheeks.

He pressed against her further, but nodded into her neck.

"Yes?" she giggled.

He pulled back to look at her and for a second, she was frozen by the hurt there. He hid it quickly, but she had seen it all the same.

She wrapped her arms around him once more, pulling him tightly to her. "Severus, a gentleman would now kiss a lady."

He did. He seemed to be learning quickly and this time, Lily found herself truly pleased with his technique. Her eyes closed and she relaxed.

He did as well a few moments later and the two ex-friends snogged for a while before Lily fell asleep mid-kiss.

Severus pulled away abrupty, ashamed that she'd fallen asleep, that he'd kissed a drunk woman, that...but it IS Lily - his heart reminded him and he softened instantly, to see her snoozing quietly, her mouth slightly open.

He didn't know if she would want to go home. Severus had heard her mother had passed and he probably couldn't carry her that far anyway. Walking would be near impossible. So, Severus lay out her jumper and lifted her onto it carefully. He slid as close to her as he could and spread his thin coat over them both.

It must've been cold, because at some point during the night, Lily had fitted herself against his side, with her face right next to his. He was pretty sure he hadn't slept a wink. Just watched her sleep and tried to keep her warm.

But Severus did eventually doze off and awoke to lips on the tip of his nose.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own and Rowling is a queen for letting us all borrow.

"Morning," Lily said softly, her mouth thick. She found herself squinting in the light and her head hurt in a way she'd never really felt before. She groaned and moved slowly to a sitting position. "I am such an idiot."

Whatever Lily may have expected from Severus, she was surprised when he laughed, or rather chuckled. She looked down at him with concern.

"Did you nip at the whiskey bottle this morning, Severus?" He sat up and quickly, too quickly for Lily to stop him, slid his hand across her cheek and brought her lips to hers. It was unexpected to say the least, but she kissed back cautiously - unsure what he was expecting. She knew her breath must be awful, not to mention she had been overtly forward the evening before, but Severus kissed her deeper and deeper, pulling her closer to him, and suddenly she was breathless.

She pushed him away as gently as she could and met his eyes. "I know I have wretched morning breath. Sorry."

Try as she might, she could not look away from him. His expression oozed of contentment - lips turned up, eyes...soft and slightly crinkled, hands relaxed on her leg and waist.

Lily was shocked further when he kissed her chastely, squeezed her leg once and began to stand.

"I am glad you are feeling better, Lily." He offered his hand to her.

She took it and he pulled her to her feet - too fast - her head swam and she fell against him, her hands splayed across his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and Lily knew she was in trouble. She tilted her head up to look at him.

"Sorry," he said, his lips still slightly turned up in what would've been a sneer if not for the sparkle in his dark eyes.

"You seem happy." It was a statement, but she really wanted to ask him _why _he was so happy. She laid her head against his chest and shut her eyes. It made the pounding in her head fade, but the thought _"this is wrong"_ flew freely around her tired brain. "You seem..." she felt his lips against the top of her head.

"...content?" he offered, picking leaves and grass from her long red hair.

She nodded against him.

"I suppose you would prefer me sullen or angry? I am. I am furious with you for this situation. I am also quite...pleased that you have decided to forgive me and..." She fought the urge to look at him. She knew he would stop being so honest. "...spend some time with me before we go our separate ways again. I imagine being irate or sentimental at this point would only hasten your departure."

She stayed very still against him, trying to figure out what to say. She couldn't deny his words and she felt something close to anger at his ability to stump her. And he knew it. After all, they would soon go about their lives, each with a fond final memory of a childhood best friend.

The ache in her chest became real longing then and she found herself sad - for him, for her, for what they had once been and what they had now become. She was reminded of something her mother had said once. _"Life isn't fair, Lily."_

Lily felt cheated. She had always tried to do the right thing. It seemed to backfire every time. Never did it work out as expected. Following her intuition had made her lose her best friend and had groomed her for the life she would soon lead. James Potter's wife. House wife. James didn't have to work and neither would she. A child would be expected as soon as possible after the wedding.

Despite herself, the idea always left Lily feeling oddly uneasy. She wanted more than a nice house and a slew of children running under foot. She wanted to travel and do things and make a difference. She wanted to finally follow her intuition into something worthwhile instead of painful and regrettable.

But she also knew she would most likely never get the chance. She would marry James. Maybe her sacrifice would be more noble because of her wasted potential.

"Severus?" she whispered, eyes still shut.

"Hmm?" he rubbed his open hand over her shoulder.

"Will you walk me home?"

"Of course."

---

Standing on her back porch, Lily made the first move, putting her arms around his neck. He slid his long arms around her waist and they hugged.

Lily felt a strange anticipation standing in his arms. Severus was obviously reluctant to leave and if she was honest with herself, she was not looking forward to it either. She would be alone in the house. More than that, she would be without Severus indefinitely once he left. She tightened her arms and he did the same, her leg going between his to press her hips more intimately against his, wanting to be as close as possible.

"Maybe..." she swallowed loudly, "...you would come in?"

His body became very still and she thought he was angry for a moment. She pulled away. "I mean, I would like for you to come in for a bit."

Gone was the joy and slight smile or sneer. Instead, he was frowning, his eyes searching her face.

"I have taken advantage of you enough for one lifetime."

Lily's mouth dropped open. "No, Sev, I -- "

He held up one thin hand briefly, shaking his head. "Please, Lily, I have no illusions of the situation. I will do what needs to be done."

Her eyes narrowed. "What does that mean?"

He shrugged and dropped his hand from her waist, taking one step back. "I suggest you go inside and lay down for a while. You'll feel better after you drink some water and sleep in a bed."

She knew he was trying to leave gracefully - to be a gentleman - to leave on a high note.

For whatever reason, that infuriated her. How dare he control the situation? She was supposed to be the mature one. What happened to the boy desperate for her forgiveness? Lily had a thought that made her face go pink, but quickly banished it. Severus was dangerous in more ways than one apparently. James was away on holiday. She was destined for a lonely two weeks in her home unless she found someone to share the space with and Mary and Alice had disappointed already...

"Just come inside for some tea." She grabbed his hand and pulled his arm while making for the door. "No one's home."

When he hesitated, she felt something that she suspected was shame. She felt like a predator stalking her prey - looking for weaknesses and exploiting them, using Sev because she couldn't be alone in her own home. But she pushed it away as their eyes met. He looked confused.

Besides, he was different. He was once her best friend. He was everything James was not.

"Do you have something better to be doing, Sev?"

He appeared to mull this over, a far away look in his eyes, before squeezing her hand and shaking his head.

A/N: I am not 100% happy with this chapter...but I'm tired of re-reading it. Criticism welcome and hopefully I can get the next chapter up asap.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything. I make nothing on this.

A/N: **Please heed the rating **for this chapter especially. And stop now if you are conservative - I got a little fluffy and there are for sure sexual situations and cursing. I tried to censor myself, but not to the detriment of the story. Thank you for the nice reviews and hopefully I don't disappoint myself here. I've got quite a bit more written, but not typed, so...enjoy...

Seeing Severus sitting across from her at her kitchen table, a hot cup of tea between his hands, made Lily smile. He seemed uncomfortable, fidgeting slightly and not meeting her eyes. She looked at him anyway - acknowledging her surprise at his gentleness with her. He was protective obviously, but for the first time, Lily found comfort that he was as kind to her as he was the night before. She didn't find it hard to believe that many other young men would have taken advantage of her state, especially with the way she had come on to him.

She felt like there was something...something she was missing. Some truth that eluded her. She found herself staring at his hands again, the knuckles protruding as he gripped the cup.

He looked very tired - eyes shaded by shadows both above and below, line creasing his forehead as his nose wrinkled.

"Never learned to make proper tea, did you, Lily?"

She burst out laughing and he smirked, his eyes sparkling at her as he took another sip from his cup.

When she had calmed, she found herself grinning at him. "I suppose," she said firmly, "some things never change."

His eyes darted to hers and the silence was uncomfortable. He did not look away and she wondered if he would...so she did.

"I should go," he said, standing quickly. "Thank you for the tea." He tapped the table once before turning to go.

"You don't have to go."

He went completely still. "I do."

"No," she said, rising from her chair and approaching him slowly. She put her hand on his arm. "I would like you to stay."

He spun and met her eyes. "Why?"

The question startled Lily. Was she completely off base? Was the attraction nothing more than nostalgia? Was she horrible for needing him to stay? No, she reasoned, he wants me to say it.

"I want you, " she purposely paused, "to stay." She felt a bit cheesy, but knew it would guarantee a reaction.

His expression did not change for a long moment. Then it contorted into something unfamiliar. He was obviously unsure what to do or say.

"Will you have me beg?" she asked, unable to keep a hint of sarcasm from her tone. She wanted him to see her concede a bit - so he would do the same. She couldn't tell if he understood.

"I am such a fool..." he whispered as he brought his lips to hers, his arms going around her waist and clasping her lower back with his strong hands. His kiss was enticing, his lips moving against hers as his tongue danced with her own. She felt need there...and something deep inside her ached in response...she pressed herself to him, suddenly unable to get close enough to him. Breathing be damned, she thought and slid her hands over his jaw to his ears and into his hair.

He breathed heavily through his nose, then before pulling away, panting, eyes wide.

"Lily, I..." He tried to look away, but palmed his face to keep his eyes on hers. His breath against her lips was surprisingly erotic. "I can't---"

She cut him off with a brief kiss and he didn't continue. She stared into his eyes, trying to explain without words what she wanted, what she was looking for, what she needed him to understand.

"Severus, please. I would like to show you something up in my room." She smiled sheepishly at him. "You'll love it."

He squeezed his eyes shut and for an instant, Lily saw the boy she had known - short, scrawny and fearful, yet arrogant...and excited...she was reminded of his face as he jumped out to tell her she was a witch. It was branded in her memory same as her first kiss, first owl letter, her first bike. His excitement and glee had been apparent on his face in that moment. Lily hadn't been able to look at him straight on...his eager excitement had made his face so bright...

Now it was gone before she could comment, replaced by a sneer.

"Drop the pretense." His mouth hung like he was going to continue, but he didn't. Finally, he just shut his mouth. "You need to bathe."

Lily smiled at him. "So, you'll stay?"

He looked at her, his gaze unreadable, before beginning to walk toward the stairs. "I didn't say that."

She followed him without a word.

---

Lily showered as quickly as she could, but the hot water felt surprisingly nice. To ensure he didn't bolt while she was in the shower, she had insisted he sit on the loo and talk to her.

The conversation quickly became silence, but she rinsed her hair once more before turning off the water.

"Severus?" she said, squeezing her hair, "can you hand me a towel?"

The silence dragged just long enough to worry her and then his hand appeared above the curtain with a blue towel. She dried her hair first, then her body, wrapping the towel around her quickly and yanking back the curtain dramatically.

He was standing in front of the tub with a second towel. He offered it to her, but she stepped onto the mat and reached for him. She knew his clothese were getting wet - her hair was still quite wet, but he had to wrap his arms and drop the towel to keep from falling backwards, but he kept his balance and chanced a glance down at her face.

She was grinning up at him, her eyes bright and dewy. Her headache was nearly gone and after the shower, she almost didn't feel like she'd slept outside.

"Oh," she said softly, pulling back and tightening the towel around her bust, "look at your shirt - here, let me -" She reached for the top buttons, but he swatted her hand.

She knew she looked hurt - she felt hurt.

"It'll dry just fine." He tone was careful and slightly apologetic. Lily put her hands on his shoulders and he glanced at them nervously.

"I don't know why you don't want me to take off your bloody shirt, but whatever it is doesn't matter to me."

He stared at her for a moment before quickly unbuttoning his shirt. He was wearing an old undershirt - slightly dingy and stretched out. She furrowed her brow. "I was hoping to feel skin," she whispered and he pulled his undershirt up until just one nipple - dark and small - showed under the grey fabric.

She reached out and placed her palm on his stomach - flat, paler than she could have imagined, not muscular at all...and fine black hairs trailing from his shallow bellybutton. She stroked the hair and had to fight the urge to slide her hand south instead of north.

Instead, she headed for the nipple, letting her fingers glide over his chest, now heaving, his breathing erratic.

Her eyes darted down and she confirmed what she had suspected - he was enjoying himself. He must've noticed because he crushed her t him and held her tightly, her face against his chest as his long arms looped around her. She slid her hands down his sides and felt the sharp jags of his hip bones and then there was the line - a crease in his smooth skin and her fingers followed it without thought into his boxers. He gasped and yanked her hand from between them all at once.

She harumphed in protest, but refused to let him stop kissing her, instead pushing the kiss...becoming more insistent. He finally stepped back and she was forced to stop.

"Don't make me drop my towel, Severus."

He groaned and rolled his eyes, a smile creeping across his face. "You are the devil, Lily Evans."

"Been studying muggles again?"

His eyes darkened. "Must you bring that up?"

She shook her head. "Sorry. After all," she said, pushing past him into the bedroom. He followed close behind. "I'm not trying to push you away."

He seemed unconvinced, but didn't say a word.

She considered putting clothes on, but couldn't decide, so she wrapped her red robe around her before tying it and letting her towel drop away.

Severus sat in her desk chair, facing her, just silently watching her quickly moisturize her face and arms. She figured the legs would be too far.

When she turned to him, she frowned. "Come sit on the bed with me."

He looked pained, but stood and sat at the far edge of her twin bed, sliding til his back hit the wall, his long legs stretched out before him.

It was how they had sat on her bed every time he'd come to visit. Of course, the last time, he'd been smaller...younger...but no less an enigma.

She made to crawl next to him, but instead scrambled onto Severus' lap, straddling him and hugging him tightly to absorb any backlash.

To her surprise, there wasn't any. His hands simply went around her lower back to her hips, resting there lightly, chastely (almost), even as she rose on her knees to press against him and bring her lips to his. She felt no hesitance on her part, instead she was nearly giddy - like she had a new book to crack open or a gift to unwrap.

He seemed to have given up holding back and she felt herself getting swept away by the rising tide of her desire for him. She couldn't quite pinpoint it - what it was - what he did - that made her want to feel his skin against hers. And now, she couldn't help but pull her robe down to her waist and press against his nearly bare chest, her face now right near his.

He looked amused.

She couldn't believe how hard his chest was - and she could see his ribs, but it felt good in contrast to her soft curves and the pressure was familiar, yet new and different...because it was him. It was right - even if it was wrong. And Lily knew she might live to regret this particular seduction, but was helpless to it nonetheless.

His lips and tongue were on her bare shoulder, bared by fisting into her hair and pulling it away from her. Her breath caught as he nibbled her heavily freckled skin and then the milky pale expanse further up her neck where the sun hadn't touched. He couldn't seem to keep his hands from roaming - over and over going back to her hips after straying to her forearm, her back, the top of her behind...it was nearly maddening.

She rocked against him, the layers of clothing not hiding his desire for her. Bringing her mouth to his, their tongues dueled and she marveled at his improvement from the evening before - the pace was neither fast nor slow - it varied, depending and he often darted his warm, wet tongue to caress her lip or graze her teeth. He had obviously noticed her early attempt to touch his twisted tooth. It brought a smile to her face. But Lily realized then that Severus kissed just like she did and she understood.

Her heart broke, but she couldn't help herself. With a suddenness that made her swoon, Lily felt a tear gather in her eye. He was unlike anyone she had ever met or would ever meet again. Her throat was filling.

"I love you."

His eyes immediately shut and he pulled away, but didn't let go.

She smiled when his eyes opened and darted to her bare breasts. He was human after all.

"Why are you doing this?" He sounded tormented, but his hands were circling her waist over and over, sending flutters and shivers down through her middle to her toes and back up, welling deep inside.

"How can you not?"

He looked at her questioningly, his hands still circling her, as if he had forgotten he was doing it. "What do you mean?"

"Admit how you feel." His grasp tightened. "Isn't that the proper response in this situation?" she asked, rubbing his thin chest, feeling his bones just beneath the skin.

"I don't see how it would alter anything beyond today. Tomorrow or the next day, I will be alone again. So please, Lily, tell me how my life will be enriched by admitting feelings for you or anyone else!" He had pulled away more and seemed to be looking intently at the window where the sun was peeking in under the shade.

"Don't push me away. I've never told someone who wasn't my family that I love them - doesn't that count for anything?"

He looked doubtful. "I am to believe you have never said...those words...erm, to Potter?"

She laughed. "No, he says it to me all the time, but we've only been dating seven months or so, Sev. Besides," she bit her lip, "sometimes he can be a real git. I look at you and the goodness in you jumps out because it's hidden. His goodness isn't hidden, his...mischieviousness is."

"Mischief? Dangerous stunts and cruelty more like."

She gave him a look. "He can be quite sweet if --"

"Enough," he said, raising his hand to stop her. "I find that hard to believe and I will remain unconvinced."

She was surprised, but tried to keep him from seeing it, turning her open mouth into a yawn. "Maybe I should go to bed." She didn't move from his lap though.

"Is that a hint for me to leave?"

She looked at him sharply. He looked quite sad.

She shook her head and leaned forward to kiss him again, trying to ignore her urges - to unbutton the top button of his pants and find that line - that crease - again. Or slide her robes off and guide his hand between her legs...just so his knuckles would graze between her legs...

This time, when she began to rock against him, he let out a long sigh and grabbed her behind, pressing her against him as he squirmed against her. A moan escaped her lips as they kissed and she felt his eyes on her, but she kept her own eyes shut.

With blind fingers, she dared to undo his pants. This time, there was no resistance and she quickly slid her hands down his belly, into his boxers.

She ran her hands down to a part of Severus she had never thought she would actually see. She still hadn't, but she was so excited to think she could - if she just glanced down.

She could feel him trembling as she took him in her hands, keeping her touch light and gentle. He was already sticky - she smiled against his lips, but didn't end the kiss. She knew he wouldn't tell her when _that _had happened.

His hands had slid to her breasts, squeezing lightly...almost absentmindedly...occasionally sighing heavily and even gasping once before he began to gently move her hands.

She looked at him questioningly, more than a little nervous suddenly.

"It's...it's too much." Sweat had broken across his brow.

She kissed his nose. "Sorry."

He smiled. "Please, don't apologize."

"Did you know you're a really good kisser?" she asked softly, not meeting his eyes.

There was a long pause. "You aren't bad yourself." She swatted him playfully. "Ok, so you're pretty good."

"Better. Not great, but I won't smack you for it."

He smiled. "You're an amazing kisser, Lily." He embraced her and she fell back against the bed, pulling him down with her.

He moved a bit, shifted things around and in the end, her robe had come undone and she felt his hands on her bare thighs before she saw his face move to kiss her hip.

She had to fight not to buck her hips as he left slow, sloppy wet kisses up her torso to her lips and when they were finally face to face, she brought her legs to wrap around him.

He met her eyes and said, face serious, his eyes wide, "You can still stop...as much as I..." the words seemed to be painful, "...as much as I am enjoying myself, I don't want to be seduced out of pity."

She wasn't sure what to say to that. She had not considered that he might think that way. "Do you...is that how you really feel?"

He did not answer.

"Severus, if that is how you feel, maybe you should go."

He met her eyes then. "If you wish."

"No I don't wish, but I don't want to seduce you."

He started a bit. "I--"

"No!" she could feel her face reddening as her words became more angry, "I thought this was something else. I was obviously wrong." She began to rise, moving away from him.

He grabbed her arm, his grip tight and firm. "I'm sorry."

She gave him a look, her heart hardening a bit. "You say that a lot."

His eyes shut for a moment and his mask of apathetic blankness returned. "You said I was forgiven."

Damn. "Yes. I have forgiven you for that, but this is another matter altogether."

"Then why bring that up?"

"Because!" she slammed her free hand onto the bed. "Because I'm angry Severus and I hate it! You always make me so damn mad and I am sick of trying to make you believe me!"

His face fell, but his grip on her arm remained. "I apologize, but I am not accustomed to compliments. I am even less accustomed to female attention."

His words did little, but his tone was truly apologetic and calm. She took a deep breath. "So your response is to run? To push me away? To give up? I did that already and I was hoping..."

"Hoping?"

She couldn't look at him. "Well...I was hoping you understood."

He sighed. "Understand what?"

"I want you to stay."

"You have said that."

"If you stay, I would like you to stay here."

"Here?"

She knew he was staring at her - she could feel his gaze. "At my house." She waited. No response. "In my room."

His voice shook slightly as he said, "I guess I could sleep on the floor."

She glanced at him and was held riveted by his eyes. There were small crinkles around his eyes as he peered at her. She kept herself from smiling, but just barely. "That won't be necessary."

"Really." His voice was deceptively calm.

"Argh! Severus must we talk and talk and talk?"

He fidgeted, his dark hair hanging in his face as he glanced down. "I don't know what happens now."

At this she turned away, smiling widely. "I guess that depends. But really, why talk about it?"

He was silent for a long time and when she turned to him again, he was just gazing at his hand on her arm.

"I'll take care of you, Sev."

He met her eyes, a slight smirk on his thin lips. "I'm sure I'll manage."

She drank in the eager and nervous look in his eyes, the tremble in his hands. She settled back on the bed and pulled him to her. Tucking his hair behind his ears, she took a good look at him before bringing his lips to hers.

Things progressed slowly, Lily following his lead. She was nearly naked already, so she helped him from her clothes and soon they lay together, naked, both trembling.

She ogled him - and she knew it, her face reddening, but he was so thin, long and somehow beautiful. The hair was black like on his head, but somehow finer than she would have expected from a man's leg. She saw scars and even fresh marks, but they had little pigmentation, as if they were simply flesh-colored lumps. Her fingers lingered on one on his back, but he brought his lips to hers again and she was soon unable to focus on anything but the feeling of him between her legs, his bony hips pressed hard against her fleshier thighs. She could feel heat emanating from between them and he seemed determine to draw it out...or more likely, he didn't know what do do next.

She reached between them and grasped him gently, not breaking the kiss. She positioned him at her opening, held her breath and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Try to breathe," she whispered and slid him in a bit before using her legs to embrace him.

He did not take a breath until he had sunk in to the hilt. A feeling of victory washed over Lily. Severus was tense and breathing heavily, despite being completely still.

"Don't move..." he finally whispered. She smiled to herself, but he saw and shook his head. "Please..."

She nodded and his breathing slowed a bit. She moved her hips - just a little - and he moved in and out once before collapsing, sweating atop her.

"I am so sorry."

She giggled, feeling his softness between her legs.

"It's like that the first time." He started to pull out, but she wrapped her legs around him again and he stilled. "Just wait a bit." And she slid her hand into his hair to kiss him, her tongue sliding deliciously into his warm mouth.

To his credit, he was ready quickly and this time, his concentration was commendable. Lily felt things building so quickly that she forgot to hold back and was soon thrusting up to meet him. Her eyes rolled back and all thought left her mind. She clung to him for dear life, urging him on with her soft moans and noises.

"Lily, Lily, Lily..." her name fell from his lips with each motion forward. She held to him and the tightly coiled sensation inside her broke and flooded through her, her inner spasms milking him as he came.

He was left panting over her, his arms shaking, mouth gaping open.

His vulnerability touched her - the inherent humanity of the moment...the sweaty nineteen-year-old boy, no young man, inside her had a giant grin on his face.

With a kiss, he moved to her side, cuddling beside her on the small bed. She rolled toward him and found he was still smiling.

She couldn't help but compare her new lover to her old one - the first one. Getting intimate with James had been fun - exciting at first, as it was new and exciting - but Severus was...passionate. Every touch, every look seemed steeped in emotions. It was so very different from his public persona. She would have to ask him about that...

Lily yawned. "Shall we nap?" She reached out for him.

He nodded, still smiling.

"You're happy." It was a statement. He nodded. "Me too."

He stroked her face. "Sleep now."

Her hand grabbed his. "Don't you dare leave!" She could feel herself nodding off. "Please...for me, Sev."

He met her droopy eyes and nodded. "For you."


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: All things recognizable are property of J.K. Rowling.

When she awoke a few hours later, she panicked until she saw Severus enter her room from the bathroom. Seeing she was awake, he grinned again.

It brought a smile to her face. "I could get used to that," she said as he sat beside her on the bed. She reached out for him and he seemed relieved momentarily before moving to take her in his arms.

"Best not..." he said. Lily savoured the low rumble of his chest as he spoke. She ran her hands over his arms.

"What if..." she paused, "you stayed here for the rest of the weekend?"

A long pause. "Probably not a good idea."

Lily threaded her fingers between his. "Why not?" The innocence in her voice didn't reveal her inner turmoil. She had a sudden thought of kissing Severus each day and waking to see his smile. Her mind was racing. They could do it. She could do it. She turned over so she was above him, her hair dangling over his face. He felt the strands between his fingers.

"Such soft hair," he murmured, amazement in his voice.

She smiled. "How can you be so surprised by so many things about me?" She pecked the end of his nose and he smiled. It warmed her heart.

"I've learned a lot in a short time," he said diplomatically. "And there seems to be more...I guess that surprises me."

Lily found it an apt statement and kissed him for it. When she broke away, she had only a vague idea of what she was going to do.

"James and I are sort of dating, but that's easily changed with an owl or maybe using the floo network. I don't know - I mean, does seven months warrant a face-to-face?"

She could not believe the look on his face.

He took a long moment to find his voice. "I don't think I understand, Lily. What are you suggesting?"

"Well, this may be a little strange considering I am in my birthday suit, but maybe our mutual feelings warrant a relationship? At the very least, James has been cheated on." Her voice shook slightly. "I have to break up with him."

"I won't tell him, Lily."

He refused to meet her eyes then and she felt a lump form in her throat. "It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does." His hands clenched and unclenched in his lap. She wished she was dressed. "You can still go back to your old life. You need to do that." His voice was so even and calm...it was both painful and reassuring.

"I don't want to."

"Lily," she shivered at the way he said her name...low, breathy, reverent, "It is safer and simpler for you to stay with Potter. As much as I hate to admit - I am almost certainly not ideal mate material. I have responsibilities that -"

She figured she'd have to get indignant. "So you don't want me, then. That's okay. I tried." She reached for his hand.

"Have you known me to do things rashly? Yes, I do things I don't want to do - nearly constantly - but what we did earlier was _not _one of those things."

"Oh, so I'm not awful in bed, thanks...I think." She was trying to joke.

"You don't need to do that. If you want a compliment, you could just tell me."

She huffed and made a noise, trying not to smirk.

"You are amazing, Lily Evans," he said, pulling her into an embrace. "In every way, manner, form or shape."

"Not bad," she said, returning the hug. "But does that mean you want me."

He looked slightly ashamed, but whispered, "Yes." He kissed her then, but she pushed away after only a few seconds.

"I am referring to a relationship, Severus."

His eyes met hers and they both quietly stared. She wasn't sure what he was looking for, but she saw nothing but his penetrating gaze.

"I don't know how to be a boyfriend, Lily. I'll only disappoint you." His gaze was softer now, but no less intense. He was so close his breath was on her face.

She couldn't help but smile at him, his...emotions so amazing considering how cold and rigid he was otherwise. Seeing it warmed her heart and she snuggled against him.

"I would really like to try," she said simply, kissing his neck softly, slowly, her fingers going to his pants top button.

"I...I want to see you every day." He blurted out. She grinned against his neck. He kissed her hair. "There are some things we may not be able to discuss."

She didn't respond immediately. What else could be done? She understood - at least vaguely - their predicament. His growing involvement with the Death Eaters, her new involvement with The Order...she shook her head to rid herself of the doubts. Their houses could still force a wedge between them and that made her sad really. "We will make it work." She forced the worries from her mind.

"For you..." he whispered, pulling her tighter to him.

----

Her hand shook as she attempted to find the words to tell James it was over.

Severus had tactfully left the room to shower, but she knew she couldn't dawdle.

She visualized James' face, closing her eyes. His playful hazel eyes sparkling behind his glasses, mussed up dark brown hair...James was a warm person - both literally and emotionally. His body temperature ran a bit high, so his touch was always slightly warmer than her own.

Lily was momentarily truly sad that she would not share in the warmth of his embrace again. Her eyes flew open then and the words came.

Dear James,

I am sorry for what I am about to write.

Sometime you simply cannot help who you love. I am in love with someone else. It was unexpected and I really am sorry.

I understand if you hate me.

It is all my fault.

Lily E.

She read the note (as it was certainly too short to be a letter) over and over. She could think of no better way than the roundabout truth.

She sealed the note and called her owl over. Freud was gone with the letter before she'd even realized it and she sat heavily on her bed, feeling both agitated and relieved. Lily wasn't sure how James would react. He might not believe it was from her at all. At least, she reasoned, he's unlikely to come here since he's out of the country. She felt a bit better at the thought. James' temper could be frightening...and if he discovered Severus there...she suddenly felt sick.

She stood and dressed quickly. When Severus entered, he was wearing the same clothes, but his hair was wet and he looked refreshed.

She smiled at the sight of him and he returned he smile shyly almost. She found it endearing.

She walked over and slid her hands around his waist. "I just sent the news to James."

His hands tightened around her. "It's real now." The words sent shivers down her spine. She could only nod against him, squeezing him tightly. "We should discuss something, Lily."

He pulled away and they sat on the bed.

"The Death Eaters have certain expectations of me."

Her eyes narrowed. "Such as?"

He ran his hand through his hair. "So far, only obedience. Eventually, I imagine I will brew potions for the Dark Lord."

Lily tried to keep her temper in check. It was not working well. "What do you mean eventually?"

He met her eyes. "What?"

"You plan to continue working for them?"

He looked shocked. "Of course." Her eyes widened. He continued, "How else am I to protect you in the war?" He was running his hands through her hair. "I won't let anyone hurt you."

She squeezed her eyes shut. "Severus, I haven't asked for your protection. I can take care of myself."

"Be that as it may, I believe it is a boyfriend's responsibility, nay - duty, to protect his love." She squeezed him tightly, unsure what to do. The conversation was far from over, but he was obviously trying to change the subject.

For now, Lily let him.

"I love you, too." She kept her head buried against him, but he pulled her away, forcing her to look at him.

His voice was serious. "Say it again, Lily." His eyes were boring into her own and she felt suddenly nervous. Not for the words or sentiment, but for him. For his future. For the choices she knew were inevitable.

She tucked her thoughts away and smiled at the intent look on his pale face. His stubborn nature alone might get them through this, she mused.

"I love you, Severus." The joy on his face at that sentence made the whole thing worth it, she thought with a smile.

He wrapped himself around her and they fell onto the unmade bed. He kissed her face and she couldn't help but stare at him.

She marvelled at his happiness and couldn't help but hope.

"Does that mean you love me too?"

He stopped kissing her to meet her eyes. "Lily, I -"

She laughed and brought her finger to his lips. "I don't want to make you say it." He shook his head. She smiled again. "Really...it's okay." She pulled his face to hers to kiss him.

He pulled back to look at her. She saw how relaxed he was. She saw how happy he was. She felt a pleasing warmth in her chest and a tear came to her eye.

"By now you must know how I feel about you."

"Only words, Severus."

He met her eyes again and the serious look there made her heart flutter.

"I'll have to show you, then, I suppose." Her stomach did somersaults as he undid the top button of her flares with his long fingers, the smile on his face making him quite handsome.

----

Lily's eyes popped open at the loud sound.

"LILY!"

She stirred further at the angry sound coming from her bedroom door.

"Tuney?" she said sleepily.

"Open the door."

Lily glanced at Severus, who leapt up, gathered his clothes and dashed into the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar.

She tossed on jeans and her jumper, sans knickers, and opened the door.

Petunia's face was red, her hands on her bony hips. "Finally! What is wrong with you?"

Lily ignored the jibe and stepped out, shutting her bedroom door behind her. "I was asleep. What is it?"

"Your boyfriend is on the front step. Says he's been there for a while." Petunia turned and stomped toward her own room. "You better get rid of him."

Lily's heart was beating a mile a minute. She darted into her room, pausing at her loo first to whisper to Severus, "James is on the porch." She moved to her dresser trying to find a bra.

Severus replied, in a whisper too, "Are you going to talk to him?" His black eyes were narrowed.

"Of course."

"Why?" He sounded...surprisingly angry.

"He's been out there a while, Sev. He won't just go away." He seemed to ponder that, finally nodding.

"Be careful."

She glanced at him sharply. "What?"

"He's going to be upset, Lily." He moved to where she stood and wrapped her in his arms. "I'll be right here." And he leaned down to kiss her, his tongue immediately sliding between his lips.

---

She steeled herself as she reached her front door. With her hand on the knob, she breathed deeply and tried to be ready.

Stepping into the bright sunlight, Lily reeled slightly as her eyes adjusted. James was sitting on the steps, his back to her. She sat beside him, fighting the urge to touch him, comfort him. He looked truly bereft.

Without looking at her, he grabbed her and hugged her tightly. His voice was choked. "I was so worried."

She gently pushed him away. "I'm sorry. You didn't need to end your trip early..."

His eyes met hers then. They sparkled with unshed tears. Lily was shocked.

"So it's true?" He sounded both hurt and angry.

She just nodded.

He looked into the distance, his eyes narrowing behind his lenses.

"Why? I thought..." he ran his hand through his hair anxiously before placing his twitchy hand on her knee. "How can you just..." His hand became a fist and he pulled it back from her leg.

She was at a loss for words...and for whatever reason, her mind kept returning to the man in her bedroom.

"Who is it, Lily?" his voice was even and low. She held her breath.

"Does it matter, James?"

He winced as she said his name. He met her eyes again, his thick hands going to her shoulders. "Yes damn it. Of course! Who is my competition?" And he darted his head to meet her lips. When she gasped in surprise, he slid his tongue into her mouth. When she felt it slide against her own, she pushed at his chest. He pulled away, breaking the kiss, but kept his arms around her.

She couldn't help but give him a dirty look. She didn't feel danger with him like Severus had suggested. James was upset. He had been proclaiming his undying love for Lily for so long, she figured he might not deal well with losing her. She did feel bad...he was special.

She hugged him then and he crushed her with his hold, his face pressed against her hair. She tried to memorize the moment - how warm he was, the slight tremor in his arms, the clean, earthy smell of him.

She heard him whispering into her hair. When she finally made out the words, she started to push him away again.

"Please, Lily, please...I love you, I love you..."

He refused to let her go. Instead, his lips smashed against hers, causing her to gasp and a short yelp came from her.

"Move away from her, Potter."

Lily was released and she saw Severus standing over them, wand drawn and pointed at James, who - to his credit - appeared shocked, then sad, then angry.

"What the fuck?" Lily was startled by the venom in James' voice.

James backed away from the steps, his eyes on Severus, who stepped forward beside Lily. Not looking away from James, he offered his hand to her and when she took it, he pulled her to her feet and up against him, under his arm.

"Are you okay?" he said softly. Lily was mesmerized by the exchange between the two men. Severus' confidence was not something she could quite remember seeing before, especially in dealing with James. The fact that he hadn't already hexed him was saying a lot.

She managed a small "yes" and he squeezed her in response.

"I suggest you leave now, Potter." Severus' voice was even and confident. "You aren't wanted here."

Lily squirmed, wanting to disagree, but James was already at the fence. He looked livid. "You'll pay for this." And he disapparated.

Severus and Lily snuck back up to her room, shutting the door behind them, charming it so Petunia couldn't hear them or enter.

Lily turned to him, wringing her hands, eyes darting about. "I'm sorry."

He looked at her questioningly and put his long arms around her, pressing her face to his chest. "You did well. There was no easy way to handle that situation. Thank you." He paused. "You did kiss him back, though."

She sighed heavily. "He sort of ambushed me."

"Mmm, well, it will not do to have it happen again."

"Sev, are you jealous?"

He met her eyes. "Yes."

She wasn't quite sure of the appropriate response to that. Something sarcastic like "you're in trouble then!" Or "finally!" Instead, she smiled.

He stroked her hair and cheek and she turned to bring her lips to his. Between kisses, she said, "The-whole-time-I-thought-about-you."

He smiled under her lips and she couldn't help but reciprocate.

"You spoil me," she said.

His eyebrows lifted. "How?"

"I've never seen you smile so much."

At this, he scowled and she couldn't help but giggle. "There it is! The Severus Snape look!"

His scowl became a half smile. "Only for you."

"All right," she whispered, throwing her arms around him. "But I want to see it every day."

At this he smiled. "Deal."


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

The first howler arrived just before dinner that evening. Sirius was not happy with her, at least that was the bottom line of his angry, slightly drunken tirade.

The second was not actually a howler, but it made Lily feel far worse.

_Evans,_

_I won't pretend to know your side of this situation. I also will not assume to have any business intruding. However, I found James in quite a state today. He smashed a mirror in his room, cutting his hand. Then he began to drink._

_By the time I arrived, James was completely tossed and Sirius appeared to be joining him rapidly. _

_He's a wreck. When he finally laid it all out for me, he was beside himself. Don't tell him I told you. I hope you know what you're doing._

_Remus Lupin_

She crumpled the parchment in her fist. How dare Remus try to guilt her into feeling...what? How did she feel about James? Of course she felt bad for James. He had feelings like anyone else and she cared for him. In his own way, he was charming and sweet and kind. His easy banter with her, his playful teasing, his large hands.

She destroyed the letter and tidied the kitchen. Petunia had left again and Severus was reading in her room while she made something to eat.

Her mind drifted as she gathered crackers, cheese and fruit, opting not to cook.

Her thoughts drifted to her first kiss with James. It had been long before we actually started dating in seventh year - infact, it was shortly after the _mudblood _incident, she thought, almost guiltily.

It had been a Gryffindor party - a game of Spin-the-Bottle. She had a sneaking suspicion he had charmed the butterbeer bottle, as she nor James spun anyone else for four turns. The group had kicked them out and James had followed Lily into the halls.

She kept walking, aware of him behind her, but figured he would give up if she kept walking and ignored him.

Instead, he followed her silently.

When she reached a dead end, she turned quickly, hoping to catch him off guard.

No such thing for the athletic Quidditch player before her. James met her eyes with a smug, expectant smile, stepping nearer and nearer, even as she backed away. Her back met the stone wall and he put his hands on either side of her shoulders. He peered at her, an amused look now on his handsome face.

It made her want to slap him...or kiss him. She found her eyes riveted to his lips. The earlier kisses in the Common Room had been chaste, at least in comparison to those she'd shared with her last boyfriends, but it hadn't been bad - his lips were soft and he was gentle with the kisses he'd pressed to her lips...but there, pinned between him and the wall, she wondered if he would dare to kiss her without a charmed bottle between them.

Later, she knew she was a fool to think he wouldn't.

His face neared hers so slowly, she couldn't help but hold her breath. His lips pressed chastely and she inhaled deeply through her nose. His tongue darted to test the seam of her mouth and she let him take the lead, setting a slow pace - almost excruciatingly slow...she kept trying to speed him up - lead by example, right? Eventually, she simply ended the kiss.

The smile on his face looked suspiciously like gloating.

"Erm, thanks, Potter." She smiled politely. "I have to go."

His brow crinkled and he opened his mouth once before shutting it again. "Lily, I--"

She cut him off. "I'll see you around." She ducked from under his arm and nearly ran down the corridor. He didn't follow.

---

Severus was on her bed when she came in, his hands folded under his head, eyes closed.

Lily tiptoed to her desk to set down the tray before sitting beside him on the bed. His eyes opened immediately. "Hello." His small smile brought a grin to her face.

"Hi. How are you?"

"No complaints." He reached for her, pulling her onto the bed with him.

"Will you stay?" she whispered, her lips against his cheek. "My dad's away two weeks. We would just have to avoid Petunia."

He didn't say anything, but his hands moved over her slowly. She kissed him briefly and met his eyes.

"I will stay until your father returns...at least to protect you from Potter and his friends." He sneered a little at the name.

She kissed him. She didn't care _why _he said he stayed, as long as he did.

"I'll have to go home first."

She pretended to ponder this. "Well..." she touched his face, his smile widening to show his teeth, "maybe I could come with you."

His face darkened immediately. "No."

She laid against him, her face beside his. "Please?"

He held her tightly, shaking his head. "My mother..."

"I heard your father passed, how has she been?"

He stilled. "My mother passed three months ago."

"What?" She turned to meet his eyes. "What happened? I didn't read about it?!"

"It was a rare wizarding illness. Not contagious, but fatal. She was peaceful when she went."

"Really?" She eyed him skeptically.

He shrugged. "Yes."

"I am sorry for your losses, Sev."

"And I yours, Lily." He put his hand on her arm and turned away.

"So why can't I go with you to your house? Isn't it your bachelor flat now?"

He held her tighter still. "No. It is still the awful childhood home I detest; however I occasionally have unexpected visitors. Certain people have permission to apparate directly into my home for security purposes and it would not do for them to see you there now."

She felt something she wasn't sure of. Anger? Sadness? Fear? A mixture of the three? "Can't you change the wards?" Her voice was icy.

"I could, but it would arouse suspicions."

She sat back a bit. "I think you should explain."

"Lily, this is not the time. I promise we will discuss it tonight." He pulled her tightly to him, his voice hard still. "I will do what it takes to keep you in my life."

She returned the squeeze and pressed her lips to his skin. She suspected it would be a difficult conversation, but she was willing to at least try to listen.

----

"So let me get this straight. You want to continue on with the Death Eaters?"

"Yes. However, I think I can provide useful information to pass to the Order. Not directly, but there are many ways information could be transferred. I have thought about this and I can't back out, Lily."

"There must be something else."

"Please, tell me, then, because I cannot think of another thing that doesn't end up with you and I dead or me dead and you left unprotected. I...I can't have that."

She watched him pace around her room. "You could go into hiding."

He shook his head. "Not a chance. I haven't the means nor the connections to do that. What about you?"

"Me?"

He stopped and met her eyes. "What will you do if I go into hiding?"

She wasn't sure really. "I...I guess I would go with you."

He knelt before her, his arms wrapping around her. "Lily, I could not do that to you."

"Will you try to speak with the Order?"

His eyes squeezed shut. "Are you asking me?"

Her voice was very soft. "Yes."

"Then I will."

Lily placed her hands on his smooth face. "Thank you."

This time, when they made love, Lily felt sad for the first time.

It would not be the last.

----

A week later, Lily and Severus had settled into an oddly pleasing domesticity. Severus made the tea and breakfast, which involved nothing more difficult than toast. Lily kept them fed the rest of the day and did their laundry. All-in-all, she found the role surprisingly pleasant. Having Severus in the house with her helped with the memories of her mother. It probably also helped that they spent most of their time in her room. It was easier to avoid her sister and it had fewer memories of her mum...

They were tangled together on her bed, the late afternoon sun pouring in from the window. Practise seemed to make perfect for Severus and his eagerness made up for any awkward moments. Most amazing? In direct opposition to his usually persona, Severus became sweet and cuddly post-coitus. He liked to cuddle her and at night, they would fall asleep spooning.

He was caressing her shoulder, his fingers sliding lazily up and down the skin there.

"Sev?"

"Mmm?"

"Remember Mary McKinnon from school?"

His eyes narrowed. "Yes."

"Her birthday is tomorrow and she's having a get-together in the evening...just the girls. I'll be gone a few hours."

He nodded. "That will give me a chance to do some errands."

"You'll come back?" she whispered, grabbing him.

"Without a doubt."

A/N: Yes, it may seem like Lily sort of is too easygoing with some of Sev's "stuff", but if anyone can recall falling in love for real the first time? Oh, nothing else matters for a while there...plus, the conversation is far from over for them. Severus may seem a bit off too, but can anyone say how his personality might have changed (softened) if he'd been getting it regularly and receiving some attention, right? Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Not owned by me.

"You have your wand?" he asked for the eighth time.

"Yes, as do you, Sev...please, don't worry. I'll be fine. We'll meet on my back porch at ten." She smiled, throwing her arms around his neck and hugging tightly. She brought her lips to his and they kissed goodbye, leaving both slightly breathless. Lily found herself smiling as he pulled back and when they apparated separately, her silly grin remained.

---

The evening began as planned, eight girls eating in Mary's dining room of her new apartment, marveling over her good fortune at being able to live on her own (thanks in large part to her parents' fortune).

Try as she might, Lily could not wipe the grin from her face for longer than a few moments and her thoughts returned to Severus over and over.

She could not believe how boring being in love had made her. She was trying to think of something other than her new love when a loud knock came from the other room.

Mary leapt up and went for the door.

Lily heard them before she saw them and panicked momentarily. When Sirius, James, Remus, Petter, Frank Longbottom and a few others entered the room, Lily began to get angry. She tried to catch Mary's eyes, but Mary seemed aware of Lily's aim. Instead, Lily slumped in her seat a bit and berated herself for being such a fool.

She made no move when Sirius snagged Mary and pulled her, noisily, dramatically, up the stairs, obviously toward her bedroom. The others began to leave the table, heading for the TV room, but Lily knew she was not alone.

So the hand on her shoulder was no surprise. She didn't even need to turn. His hand was warm on her shoulder, even through her shirt.

"Lily..." James was trying hard to control his emotions by the sound of his voice. "Can I talk to you?"

His tone made her turn to him. She met his eyes, which looked flat, dull. There were dark hollows beneath them as well. His lips were drawn in a tight line. He reminded her slightly of how Severus looked when he had entered the clearing a little over a week before.

She couldn't help but glance at Remus before exiting. His face was as blank as James'. It did little to calm her nerves.

She followed James as he walked, seemingly with purpose, always just behind him. Finally, they reached a park and he sat on a bench.

She sat beside him, a space purposely left between them. He stared at it pointedly as he spoke.

"How are you, Lily?"

She nearly laughed. "Okay. You?"

He did laugh. "As well as can be expected." He was now staring into the darkness. "Are you happy?"

She didn't hesitate. "Yes."

He sat back, running both hands through his hair. "Well, I guess that's that, then."

Lily didn't know what to say.

He abruptly grabbed her and clutched her to him awkwardly. "A proper good-bye," he muttered. "Only fair."

She put her arms around him and squeezed, her heart breaking for him. She did not want to hurt James. After all, he obviously cared deeply for her and he _was _her first...

Relaxing some in his arms, she made no move as he stroked her hair. "Lily...can you tell me why?"

She swallowed heavily. "I...I care for you both." She waited for a response, but none came. "I had to make a choice."

His grip tightened on her. "How do you know you aren't making a huge mistake, Lily?" He breathed deeply against her. "He is dangerous."

"He says the same thing about you." She smiled wryly over his shoulder.

"I'm serious. I've protected you from the rumors about him because I know how hurt you were when he called you that name, but he's in deep with Voldemort's people, Lily." He was holding her at arm's length now, his words being punctuated by small shakes. "I can't force you to be with me. Or to not be with _him_," he sneered and for a moment, Lily couldn't see any of the James she knew there in his face. Only hurt and anger were there now. "But please...please be careful."

She was at a loss for words, but she made a noise...something between a sigh and a sob. He crushed her to him, hugging her tightly, his lips pressed to her temple, warming her skin.

"I just...I thought we were happy together." Another sad sigh. "I'd have given you anything." He smelled familiar still, even though he no longer smelled...right. The scent of his skin no longer made her want to take her clothes off and press her skin to his. It was a shock to Lily. One thing that had been a constant since the start of their relationship had been her physical attraction to him.

The loss made her sad.

"I didn't go looking for it, James," she said softly. "It just sort of happened."

"Ssshhh..." he said, his tone growing more and more raspy. Over and over she was surprised over his reaction to their breakup. She knew she would never have a better chance to ask him.

She placed her hand on his face, bringing his sad eyes to hers. "You'll get over me faster than you think and someday we'll be friends and laugh about all this."

He winced and pushed her away. "You don't understand."

She looked at him, reaching for his arm. He let her put her hand on his forearm, but she felt it tense beneath her fingers. "Explain then."

"I've never done you wrong, Lily." His face twisted into something she had never seen on his handsome face before. "I thought I was going to marry you. So please," he said, his voice instantly growing harsh, "excuse me if the thought of you fucking Snivellus makes me physically ill."

Her mouth fell open. She was angry and ashamed. And angry. She pulled her hand from him and stood, eyeing him. He was staring at his hands sitting in his lap.

His sad stance stilled her rage and she stood before him. She offered her hand and pulled him up into a hug.

He quietly acquiesced, holding her tightly against him. She was reminded of Severus...James had always held her so delicately before...

"I will forgive the last comment as I understand how upset you are and I am very very sorry, James, for hurting you. It's my fault. You wouldn't have me now anyway. I never wanted--"

She was cut off by his warm lips on hers and despite herself, she kissed him back. He tasted so salty and when she put her hand on his cheek to break the kiss, she realized he was crying.

"I'm sorry, James." She squeezed his hand and kissed his cheek. "Take care."

"Yeah..." he said, slumping onto the bench.

"Will you get back okay?"

He nodded without looking at her.

"I'll floo Remus to make sure."

He waved his hand at her and she felt tears threatening. She could almost taste his sadness. She could certainly feel it.

"Goodbye, Lily."

She glanced at him, but he did not look up. "Goodbye, James." And she walked away, apparating from the edge of the park.

---

She sat on her porch waiting for Severus for nearly an hour after calling Remus at Mary's. James hadn't come back, but Remus had thanked her politely and hurried to find his friend. Lily closed the connection before Mary could speak, still angry her friend for letting the Marauders come to her home and...

Still, she couldn't deny she felt a bit better - having said a more proper goodbye to James. He deserved someone who thought he hung the moon, not someone always curious about what else was out there.

She cried for a while, letting herself think about their happy memories. It seemed the right thing to do.

Lily had been dating someone else when she first hooked up with James.

_Her boyfriend at the time, her third ever, was a fellow seventh year named Clive Brannen. He was a star Quidditch player for Ravenclaw- tall, handsome, big blue eyes and roaming hands. Every time Lily found herself alone with him, he would push her to sleep with him._

_He had even started pulling out the "I love you" and "don't you want me to show you how much I love you?" She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing every time._

_So when she had caught him with the Hufflepuff pin cushion, Laura Merken, she'd stomped back to the common room in a rage unlike she'd ever felt. She would have her revenge._

_Potter was there with his friends, as usual, and when he saw her, his attention went to her immediately, like clockwork._

_"Evans - you..." he took in her stance, her expression and stepped back. "You okay?"  
_

_She did her best to curb her anger. "I need to go for a walk."_

_He perked up. "Can I escort you?"_

_She nodded curtly, but didn't take his proffered arm. _

_---_

_She walked quickly, James keeping up, but only just. She stopped at the lake. He stood beside her._

_"I caught Clive with Laura Merken."_

_James didn't say anything. She reached for his hand and interlaced their fingers. He glanced at their hands, then at her face as she turned to him._

_"James, I need a little reassurance."_

_His free arm went around her and pulled her to him, his slight smile quite charming. "I won't disappoint you, Lily."_

_She smiled at him, feeling so warm against him, their bodies fitting together so intimately, so quickly that she could do nothing else but kiss him, his lips so gentle against hers, his hand cupping her face._

_"You have the sweetest lips," he murmured as he kissed her, pulling her bottom lip between his teeth lightly, his tongue running across her lip before sliding further into her mouth._

_Her instinct to react to his comment - which sounded suspiciously like a "line" disappeared as the kiss deepened and she found herself responding to him in a way that seemed to surprise them both._

_She didn't know how long they stood there snogging, but when she realized how badly she wanted to drag him into the bushes, she pulled back a bit._

_She'd never quite experienced a physical attraction to a person like she was suddenly experiencing with James. Maybe it was the years of bickering or simply his body chemistry - she felt something kissing him she had never experienced with any of her previous boyfriends._

_They walked back to the castle, but before going in, James turned to Lily. He fidgeted a bit. _

_"It's supper time."_

_She looked at him. He was looking her in the eyes and she saw a sparkle there. A twinkle of mischief and laughter and seeing life as fun and nothing more._

_"The dorms are nearly guaranteed to be empty." She glanced at him, the hairs on the back of her neck raising...she wasn't sure why. She must've looked angry. "Oh gods, no, no, not for that, Lily." He laughed nervously._

_"Oh," she said, smiling a little, "...okay."_

_---_

_The boys' dormitory looked nearly the same as the girls' save for the boys had far more Quidditch posters. James had led her to his four-poster and they climbed onto his bed together._

_He pulled the curtains, charming them shut._

_It was very dark then, with the heavy curtain drawn, and Lily jumped when his hands found her knees._

_"Sorry," she whispered._

_"S'okay," he said, also whispering. His big, hot hands slid from her knees to her thighs. She couldn't believe his nerve, but also didn't want him to stop...yet._

_Before she could speak, his lips crashed onto her chin._

_She giggled._

_"Sorry," he said softly and this time he brought his lips to her face gently and kissed from her cheek to her lips, whispering softly as he kissed her._

_"I really like you, Lily," he let the words tumble out of his mouth quickly, like a confession._

_She was glad it was dark, because she didn't answer, just laid back and pulled him with her._

_She slid her hands under his shirt, running her hands over his strong chest before pulling his shirt and jumper over his head at once._

_He pinned her to the bed again, his hands on her face. "I mean it, Evans. Even if you ran off right now." She could feel his breath on her face - he was very close._

_Lily laughed, her hands already unbuttoning her shirt. "Must you always be so emotional, James?"_

_"Mmm..." he said, nuzzling her neck, "I love hearing you say that."_

_"You mean e-mo-tion-al?" she drew the word out, at the same time removing her bra and pulling him back atop her._

_"Lily..." he whispered, kissing her softly._

_"James..." she whispered back, a shiver going down her back, causing her whole body to feel warm and very aware of his body, his kisses, his murmured words._

_"I love you--"_

_"Shhh..." and she captured his lips with hers, pulling him on her, to her...he would be hers._

---

Severus arrived exactly at ten. Lily had been sitting on the back porch for over an hour when he put his arms around her and she pressed her face to his chest and grabbed onto his robes.

He didn't say a word and Lily began to calm - the smell of him seemed to allow her heart to slow to a more normal pace and she sighed happily, savoring the feel of his long, thin limbs, his broad shoulders just above her, his sweet look of concern.

"I missed you..." she croaked out.

"Are you okay? What happened?"

She smiled at him. "I'm fine. Especially now."

"Don't change the subject. We'll go inside and I'll make you tea. Then you can tell me what happened."

She smiled sadly, but followed him inside.

---

"So let me get this straight," Severus said, his voice slightly strangled. "Potter kissed you and you let him." His hands clenched and unclenched on his tea cup.

"Yes, but --"

"You slept with him, didn't you?"

Her head snapped up. "What?"

"You heard me." His voice was surprisingly icy.

"No, I didn't, Severus. I came home to you." She looked at him pointedly. "Maybe I shouldn't have."

He held her eyes, but nodded slightly and stood. He extended one long arm to her. He seemed so tall dressed all in black.

She accepted his hand tentatively, but he grabbed her up, off her feet, pulling her knees around his slim hips, her arms looping about his neck.

She went to kiss him, but he pulled away.

"I have to trust you. But please..." he swallowed and met her eyes. "...please be trustworthy." He kissed her. "It's not easy for me. I can only do this because...well, because it is you."

The look they shared said volumes - for both.

He hitched her up a bit, wrapping his arms around her. With a quick kiss to her nose, he moved down the hall to the stairs, kissed her once more before moving quickly up to her room to her bed.

A/N: Thank you all for the nice reviews. I have the next chapter typed up almost, but the story is starting to go in a weird way I didn't expect, so we'll see if I get it up today or tomorrow. Hope this chapter is more than just a filler...I tried.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: All recognizable things belong to JK Rowling. I make no profit or anything else from this.

A/N: Still trying to get this all (as in the whole story) typed up. I had some other ideas, but they felt...contrived, so I'm trying to stay both realistic and interesting - let me know if I fail! And thanks for all the nice reviews. It really makes my day.

Two days before Mr. Evans was to return home, Severus left Lily with her sister (who had to be bribed to stay in the house) and headed to meet with Lucius Malfoy.

He wasn't sure what to expect from the meeting, but he knew it would not be positive. Severus had not made contact with any of his so-called friends since the night by the river with Lily and he was sure it would be an issue.

Not to mention if they had discovered where he had been during the last two weeks...or who with.

He tried to push the dread he felt inside as far away as he could. He would need to keep himself under strict control for this meeting.

The pub was quite dark and after Severus' eyes adjusted, he saw the thin blonde wizard in the corner. He sat across from Lucius at the table, folding his hands and met the icy glare from his companion.

"You are late."

"I apologize."

Lucius waved his hand dismissively and frowned. "You have been out of contact for far too long. Care to explain, Severus?"

Severus steeled himself, wiping his emotions from both his face and his mind. "I have been preoccupied with an experiment."

The older man's expression did not change. "You will need a far better story for the Dark Lord."

Severus felt the cold dread spooling in his stomach again. "What are you referring to?"

Lucius swirled the amber liquid in his glass slowly, his gaze not leaving Severus. "I visited your home on two separate occasions and you were not there."

Severus lifted an eyebrow. "Perhaps you prefer I sit at home waiting to be summoned?"

"My last visit made it clear you had not been to your home in some time." His eyes narrowed. "I have contacts in the Ministry, Severus."

Severus stayed very still. He had hoped he would not have been important enough to find, especially after less than two weeks out of contact. Finally, he took a deep breath. "I met someone." His voice was confident, but he became nervous and angry as Lucius began to laugh.

"Please, Severus, don't insult me. I know about her. And I'm certain you are intelligent enough to know it cannot last."

Severus could not speak - he knew he would yell at Lucius if he opened his mouth. His hands were clenched in tight fists and he could feel his jaw clenching.

Lucius noted the reaction, but seemed unphased. "_It _will not be tolerated." His heavy emphasis on the first word made his meaning clear.

Severus stood abruptly, knocking his chair back. "If you--"

Lucius again held up one pale hand - almost lazily. "Please, Severus," his face broke into a cruel grin, "did you really expect to keep her?" He scoffed. "I have covered for you this time. You have until Halloween. You will be necessary to the Dark Lord then and I will be unable to cover for you any longer."

Severus turned and walked quickly from the pub - his mind and pulse racing - Halloween was over two months away. He paused when he reached the apparition point.

He couldn't figure out what to do. His first instinct had been to grab Lucius by his expensive collar and spit in his smug face. He wasn't sure leaving without a word was the right thing to do either, but he'd been nearly overwhelmed by his anger.

He knew what he _should _do...but just the thought of never seeing Lily again made him feel slightly nauseous. He had lost Lily before and it had hurt. If he lost her this time...

He shook his head. He needed to see her.

Now.

---

Severus stood at the back door to the Evans' home - his hand paused on the doorknob.

His mind raced, but one thing seemed to be evident - he would put both their lives at risk by continuing the relationship. He knew he should turn around and go as far away as he could. She would be upset at being alone in her home for another two nights, but her emotional pain would be a necessary trade for her physical safety.

His brain knew the logical solution, but his heart refused to acknowledge it's validity. His chest was aching and his stomach felt queasy. Severus cursed himself and the softness of his heart. He wanted nothing more right then than to hold Lily tightly to him and feel her heart beating against his chest - steady, healthy and real.

He turned the knob to find Lily sitting at the kitchen table. She was in her pyjamas, her face wet with tears.

"Petunia left about twenty minutes after you did."

Severus scowled and silently cursed the selfish girl. How could she leave her sister in this state?

Lily got up from the chair and strode to stand before him. Her eyes, throat and nose hurt from crying and she imagined she looked a fright. It had not been an easy couple of hours. Once alone in the suddenly enormous house, she was unable to find a spot that didn't make her want to cry her eyes out.

She grabbed to him. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Sev."

He stroked her hair as he held her. "You're grieving. It is natural, Lily."

She looked up at him. "No, I can't escape the memories here and I can't..." The tears began to slide down her face again, but she was able to keep herself from sobbing aloud.

"Ssshh. It becomes easier with time." His voice was soft and low and comforting. She found her eyes closing as she laid her head against his chest. His heartbeat was surprisingly calming.

She didn't say anything. She knew he was right, but part of her felt...ashamed...horrible, really. Was she awful for wanting to feel better? As much as she loved her mother, she was never going to be able to get over her sudden death if she had to stay in her house.

"Sev," she whispered, "I can't stay here."

He gave her a questioning look. "What do you mean?"

"I tried, but it's too much." She looked away, her face reddening. "I want to be strong - I tried to be strong, but..." She felt tears sliding again.

"But...where will you go?" His expression was neutral.

"Well...I was sitting her thinking and..." she shrugged, "...I was thinking maybe I would travel."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You are going to leave London during the war?"

She looked at the floor, unable to meet his eyes. She didn't know how to answer that. She should want to stay. She should want to fight. She knew she could help the Order - she was a talented witch in some areas and she was not a bad dueler either, but...

"I don't know." She just didn't know what to do. "I've never been in this situation before."

"What situation is that?"

She met his eyes. "I need to get away from my home, but I don't really have anywhere to go. My extended family are all muggles, I don't trust Mary or any of my girlfriends right now and Petunia, well...you know."

Severus wasn't sure exactly what she wanted from him. Was she looking for him to offer him her home? The idea made him feel both queasy and excited. He tried to think of other options, but he knew even fewer people than she did. "Well," he began slowly, "if you truly would like to travel, there are many places you could go. I have a little money saved I could give you."

"Would you...would you come with me?" She grasped both his hands and met his eyes. "Please?"

"What?!"

"Yes, it's perfect! We'll leave the country for a bit - not long - a vacation really and then we won't be bothered...by anyone."

His eyes darkened, if that was possible, and Lily felt a pang of fear. He squeezed her hands. "Lily, I can't."

She moved until she was pressed against him. "Come on, Sev. It'll be fun. I promise."

He sighed. His conversation with Lucius was still in the back of his head. He wanted to tell her, but...looking into her eyes, the large green orbs shining with something he had always wanted to see in her eyes. He could feel himself softening, but held to his anger with Lucius.

"I'll help you set it up, but I cannot come with you."

She bit her lip and her eyebrows came together. "No."

"Lily..." His tone was a warning.

"No, Severus, this is ridiculous. Must everything we do be for someone else? Can I not be selfish for once?"

Severus was surprised by her tone - it sounded almost like anger. He found himself without any words.

She touched his face. "You said you would do what it takes to keep me."

The silence between them was fraught with tension. She knew she shouldn't have said it, but she hadn't been able to help herself.

"Fine," he said quietly. There was a loud voice screaming in his head, but he ignored it. He hoped he might be able to change her mind before actually going through with it.

She smiled so widely he was momentarily dazzled and all thought left him. "Thank you."

He nodded slightly and bent to kiss her quickly. She slid her fingers into his hair and pulled him closer, her tongue sliding into his mouth as it had so many times in the last two weeks. It never failed to cause Severus' heart to leap into his throat. Her tongue slid over his, touching his lips, sliding against his teeth. He forced himself not to think as he grabbed her into his arms and headed for her room.

---

"You don't mind this do you?" she whispered into the silence. Lily nuzzled her face against Severus' neck, tasting the sweat there from their earlier vigorous activities.

"What?" he asked as his hands made graceful, lazy circles on her bare skin.

"Cuddling?" She met his eyes. "Not all guys do."

He frowned. "Please do not tell me how you know that."

She smiled and paled a bit. "Yeah, sorry. I forget some times. I'm just curious about things."

He forced a smile. "I suppose I could indulge your curiosity. I like cuddling _with you_."

The redhead smiled and admired her companion for a moment. He almost looked at ease. "We don't actually have to go anywhere, Sev."

"What?"

"I don't want to leave. I don't want to make you leave either."

He looked confused. "Are you sure? I mean, just an hour ago you were--"

"I know - I was upset." She met his eyes and slid her hands over his chest. "I do need to get away from my house for a while though."

He sighed heavily. "You could stay with me," he said slowly, "at my home."

Lily met his eyes. "What about your friends?" She expected him to look away, but instead, he held her gaze. She felt herself hoping...

"My meeting was in regards to that."

She shivered and he held her closer, but their eyes did not part. She settled against him again and waited for him to continue.

"My services won't be necessary until Halloween. They will leave me alone until then."

She sighed and lay her head against his chest. "I'll stay with you for a little while, then."

"Mmm," he said, closing his eyes. She stared at him for a moment longer - her mind racing. His services? What was he expected to do? Would he be safe? Would he be able to help the Order? What would she tell her father? What would it be like to stay at Spinner's End?

She eventually drifted off into a restless sleep.

---

Lily woke to the feeling of being watched. It was undeniable - and not unfamiliar. It seemed like each of the last few mornings, she had woken to his dark gaze upon her. It had surprised her the first morning, but she had hid it with a yawn and a stretch. Now, she welcomed it. She smiled wiithout opening her eyes and felt his hands slide over her stomach.

She felt his breath against her cheek, so she opened her eyes.

"Good morning," he said softly, eyes boring into hers.

"Good morning to you," she said, kissing him quickly before moving to sit up.

He spoke as she moved about getting dressed.

"What will you tell your father?"

She shrugged, continuing with her task.

"Maybe I should speak with him."

She glanced at him, but didn't stop dressing. She was trying to get ready quickly so she could pack and leave as soon as possible. She was planning to leave a note for her father (who would be sad, but understanding) and leave as soon as possible.

"It's only proper, Lily."

She finished tying her shoe and stood before him, hands on her hips. "Severus Snape, when did you become proper?"

In the second before he glanced up to meet her eyes, she saw something cross his face. He looked suddenly afraid. But her soft smile softened his reaction and he smiled up at her, his hands reaching for her waist.

"I was thinking I would leave a note and we would go now."

His eyes widened, but he nodded and released her.

Within fifteen minutes, she was downstairs, ready to leave. She found herself lingering at the back door.

_Love you mum_, she thought, closing her eyes for a moment, her hand clinging to Severus' cool palm. She let a few tears seep out, thinking of her last happy memory of her mother - cooking Christmas pudding the year before. After a few moments, she opened her watery eyes, grabbed the door handle and left her home.

---

As they neared the Snape home, Lily tried twice to take Severus' hand and he had let her hold it briefly before dropping it - as if he had not actually been holding it. It was maddening and she couldn't figure out why he was being such a git. She had refrained from saying anything because he had shushed her, but she knew as soon as she got to his home, she would be opening her mouth.

Just outside his gate, Severus stopped and said, "Stay here." He disappeared with a loud crack.

She waited almost five minutes before she saw him open the front door. He motioned her in quickly and she walked into his home.

He seemed quite pleased with himself. "I have just added you to the wards, Lily."

She turned to face him, hands on her hips. "What was that out there? Why couldn't I hold your hand?"

His face became pink. "It's simply safer if we aren't seen together in such a manner."

"When did we decide that?"

"We?" His eyes were boring into hers again.

"Are you embarrassed of me?" She knew she looked stubborn - her chin was quivering, though.

"Never." His answer was definite. "You have made me proud many times. I trust you."

She smiled, knowing what an honor that truly was. "Thank you. But I think people may already know about us."

He was pink again, but his eyes didn't leave hers. "I suppose they might. I am only thinking of your safety, Lily."

"I'm staying in your home, Severus." She lifted her eyebrows. "I think I'm sleeping in your bed, so, I mean...people will suspect."

His eyes became far away at the word bed and she smiled slightly. He was thinking of something. She reached out to touch his face and he seemed to snap out of it. "I've never had a girl in my room."

"Well, sure I was in there before Hogwart's a few times and then twice after school began."

"You know what I mean," he said with a smile. "I've never had a lady sleep over with me here before. I am sure the accommodations are inadequate, but---"

"Stop!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around him tightly. "I don't care - I'm not home and I'm with you."

He gave her a look she couldn't understand. She couldn't help but ask. "What?"

"I don't understand you. How can you be so easygoing about this?"

She smiled. "I know the value of friendship and love and how much I enjoy being with you when it's just me and you. Right now - I have nothing else to look forward to."

She thought he might cry. "Lily, please," he swallowed heavily, "please do not say that. Your mother died. You're mourning. You can't pin so much of your hope on me."

Lily felt light-headed suddenly, but didn't let go of the man in her arms. "What are you saying?"

He looked stricken. "We must be realistic."

She knew her face was contorting, but she couldn't seem to latch on to just one emotion...anger, fear, love, lust, frustration, confusion, sadness...each seemed to be vying for her attention. Finally, she just shut her eyes. "I don't think I understand."

"We will have to split by Halloween." His voice was soft and the sadness in his tone drew her eyes immediately. She saw his remorse - his stance, his expression - he was controlling himself, but just barely.

"Sev, I know you'll think me a fool, but can we try to make the most of this time and worry about Halloween in October?" Lily met his eyes, pleading silently.

He softened visibly under her scrutiny. "It is up to you, Lily." He took a deep breath. "I have very little to offer you."

She glanced around - the house was small, dark and dusty. The entire room seemed to be floor to ceiling books. "I'm not asking for anything except your company."

"Why? Why are you able to look past the things I have done now, Lily? What happened to your principles?" His eyes were wide, his hands dropped from her and from his expression, he expected her to explode.

She narrowed her eyes at the dark-haired wizard. "Severus, I have an idea of what you are referring to and I believe we agreed we were both forgiven." She laced her fingers together. "I was fifteen. It was four years ago, after all. I've matured since then."

"What if I haven't?"

She tried to meet his eyes, but he wouldn't have it. She spoke slowly, softly. "Maybe you should explain."

He gestured toward the two chairs in front of the empty fireplace. She took one and he sat across from her. "Lily, I have done things I am ashamed of and any other sane wizard would be ashamed of. I don't deserve this understanding from you."

She leaned forward, meeting his eyes meaningfully. "I love you. I want to see what that means."

He closed his eyes. His voice was cool and even. "So you plan on staying in my home - in my bed - for two months." After she didn't object, he continued. "Then what?"

She stared at him, willing him to open his eyes. She couldn't figure out what he was trying to get at, but she could tell something was obviously bothering him. "I don't really know."

He nodded, but his eyes remained closed. "How can you do this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Spend more and more time together - get closer and closer - I just can't believe, I mean...how can you spend time with me and know it's temporary?"

His words chilled her. She hadn't really thought of it that way - was it truly temporary? Was she fooling herself like he was implying?

When she didn't respond, he opened his eyes. Dark shadows seemed to spread from his sunken eye sockets. Lily could not look away and somehow, gazing into his eyes, she found some semblance of courage.

"We are young, Severus. Yes, there is a war and there are bad things happening all around us, but I need to be around you right now." She felt better immediately. "I am following my heart."

His eyes shut again and Lily watched muscles twitch in his face. She wasn't sure what to do - he looked absolutely tortured.

Finally, his eyes opened and met hers. "A Gryffindor through and through."

She rolled her eyes and smiled at him, hoping the mood would lighten with his change of subject. "Yes, some things never change."

His smile seemed genuine as he stood and pulled her to her feet. His arms went around her and pulled her against him. "Lily..." She squeezed him. He squeezed her back and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you."

She didn't move or say anything - she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do or say. "So are we...okay?"

He nodded against her and she released the breath she had been holding, her body relaxing in his arms. He held tighter and pressed his lips to her cheek. "I want to meet with Dumbledore."

"What?!" She pulled back, searching his face.

"I've been thinking about it. I have a proposition for him."

Lily eyed him, both happiness and fear bursting inside her. "I'll set it up." She waited until he nodded, then lifted her face, pushed up on the balls of her feet and kissed him. He held her tighter to him and returned the kiss with fervor.

After a bit of passionate snogging, Lily pulled back to meet his eyes. "It will be okay, Severus."

"How do you know?"

She smiled - hoping it was comforting, that was her aim - and said, softly, "I just do."

He did not look convinced, but he held her to him tightly - as if she might slip away if he didn't hold tight enough. She wondered if that was more so true for herself, but didn't have much time before his tongue was sliding between her lips, his hands moving to her waist and all logical thought left her mind.

She barely noticed when he opened a shelf to reveal a staircase. She was focused solely on the way his tongue was moving with her own, not the way he was lifting her into his arms or the way he moved up the stairs to his room without breaking the kiss.

A/N: So I think I've found a direction for this story---I wonder if it's obvious already? I would have updated sooner, but the husband has been sick at home for over a week & that makes time alone with the computer nearly impossible. Thank you for the reviews, for the faves and story alerts - I like this story, but it's not easy to write and I know it's far from perfect - in fact, I'm ashamed at it's lack of Britishisms, but I don't want to sacrifice story quality by forcing them in. Hope that doesn't pull anyone from the story - at this point, it is so far from what actually happened in the books, I hope it isn't a problem. Again, thanks and hope you enjoy.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I own nothing and make nothing from this story. Thank you for reading.

Lily was certain today was either the best day of her life or the strangest.

She had stirred very early in the morning by something soft and wet and oh so...arousing...pressing against her neck and something slim and warm snaking slowly into her pyjama bottoms. She tried to open her eyes, but was still quite tired. She saw through her heavy lids a pale face surrounded by dark hair in the pale light of the sunrise. His eyes were heavy as well, but he had a look of concentration that made Lily smile. When he pulled away and saw she was awake, he smiled slightly and slid his face close to hers, moving above her on the small bed.

"Lily..." Her name escaped as a whisper across his thin lips. "You are so...sweet when you sleep..."

"...when I sleep?" She clutched at his arms, meeting his gaze - and couldn't help but press her hips up against him.

"You respond to me - even in your sleep. That's..." He spread his hands over her and kissed her, moving his hands down to her hips and into her pjs. They slid off easily. "...wonderful."

She shrugged slightly - sleep still trying to claim her - and looked down as he moved to remove the rest of her sleepwear. He dipped his head to kiss the flesh of her lower belly, inches above where she wanted him to go. Instead of asking him - like he might want, but she was just unwilling to give - she simply closed her eyes and relished the feeling of his wet, open-mouth kisses all over her belly. She gasped when he kissed her hip and her legs came together slightly.

Her eyes flew open and she wasn't completely sure, but he appeared frozen - staring at her belly button as if it were on fire - but still poised just above the spot he had kissed on her hip. She smiled so he would hear it in her voice.

"That feels nice."

He still did not meet her eyes, but was not staring at the spot on her hip, his face just inches away. "Only nice?"

"Well," she said softly, gently, as if he may not like to hear it, "there are spots that would feel even better." She shut her eyes and swallowed. "But maybe you should just undress instead."

She kept her eyes shut and eventually she gave up waiting. She opened her eyes. He was frozen again.

This time she sat up, gathering him into her arms as best she could. "Don't do anything you don't want to do."

He sneered - which surprised her. "Don't be a fool - of course I want to do it."

She took a deep breath. "Okay. Well, maybe next time, then." She started to turn away - to go back to sleep really, but he grabbed her hips and spread her legs, diving between them suddenly. She could not help but laugh...and thread her fingers into his hair, moving him over an inch. He went willingly, his hands shaking on her knees.

"Hey, come here," Lily said softly, but thickly, after only a moment. He moved up to her face, but would not meet her eyes.

"Was that...adequate?"

"Definitely, but I want something else right now." She smirked at him and she saw his eyes flash. His hands went to his trousers and she lay back, watching the morning sun peeking in through the window.

His lips met hers as his pale hands threaded into her hair. He had the air of a seasoned pro now and Lily found his confidence both endearing and sweet. He seemed so excited to have found something else he was good at aside from potions and spells. She wondered briefly - in those exquisite first moments - if he would ever sleep with anyone else. It didn't ruin the moment for her.

---

Sleeping late had become the norm in her month in the Snape household, so Lily thought nothing of her exhaustion. She began to worry when she felt nauseated and missed her period. There was no denying it after visiting St. Mungo's...she was pregnant.

She was sitting outside of the wizarding hospital, staring into space, when she felt someone sit beside her. She assumed it was someone waiting for a bus or something until they began to speak.

"Are you okay, Evans?"

She turned sharply. "I'm fine, Potter." She turned forward again, but she could feel him looking at her. She closed her eyes.

"You look beautiful."

She didn't respond - she couldn't think of one thing to say to him.

"I like your new haircut."

She shifted a bit, leaning forward so her elbows rested on her knees.

"Lily, please - talk to me. You...you said we could be friends." He put his arm over the back of the bench. "I...I just want you to be happy."

She finally looked at him and gave him a sad smile. Once he knew what she had just discovered, he would never want to be her friend. But she couldn't tell him before she told Severus - that would be...ill-advised.

"Really, I'm fine - just a bit under the weather, but I'll be fine now." She stood then, brushing off her robes. She should return to Spinner's End...figure out how to tell Severus that she would be bringing a being into a world that was already too dangerous for either of them apart...but together? She fought tears valiantly, but failed. When Potter put his arms around her, Lily found herself sobbing into his shoulder harder than she expected.

When she was done and finally got some control over herself, she pushed away, stepping away at the same time. "Thanks, Potter...erm, James. I'm under some stress right now and I---"

She should have expected it - after all, James was a Gryffindor and she knew him pretty well but...oh, bugger.

"Potter!" She cried against his lips, pushing him away. He hadn't tried to push it - just pressed his over-heated lips against hers. "Stop!"

"Come on, Lily, you still love me."

She took a large step back from him and put both hands on her hips. "I do not. I'm leaving and I don't want to see you again, Potter. You obviously can't be just my friend."

His dark eyebrows moved down and Lily was surprised at the anger she saw there. His fists clenched and she was reminded of Severus.

"Lily, I'm sorry ---"

"Save it." She turned around and began to walk away. "Goodbye, Potter. I've tried to be kind, but _next _time I won't be."

"Please, Lily--" He reached for her hand and she turned with it, but brought her other hand straight to his face. The loud crack seemed to echo between them. His eyes were wide and though she expected anger, she only saw tears and pain.

She bit her lip to keep from softening against him. He had let her go after the slap and after a moment of looking at him, she turned to leave.

She turned around after just a few steps. "I'm sorry I slapped you James. Please understand, "us" is not going to happen again." She turned quickly - not wanting to see his reaction. Instead, she walked a few steps away - head held high - and disapparated.

---

Lily sat in the dreary sitting room of Spinner's End, a glass of juice in her hand. She told herself she wasn't waiting for Severus, but she knew she was. He was due home any time and she had been trying to figure out how to break the news to him...and whether to tell him about what had happened with James.

She still wasn't completely sure what to do.

A child complicated things immensely. She was young - hell, they were both young - and there was a war going on. They were not married and they had not been dating very long either. Then there was Severus' "responsibilities" for he-who-shall-not-be-named and the Order and...

Of course, she reminded herself, it was a bit late for that. She obviously should have used something - taken some precaution, but she hadn't been thinking and she...

"Stop, Lily," she whispered.

"Stop what?" Severus asked as he came through the door.

She jumped up to meet him halfway, throwing her arms around him. He held her to him tightly and she couldn't help but shut her eyes to savour it - it might not happen again after he found out...she couldn't help but clutch even tighter to him as her thoughts became slightly dire.

"Everything all right?" he asked her, his tone heavy with suspicion.

She answered immediately. "Yes. Just happy to see you."

He narrowed his eyes at her slightly, but smiled a bit. "I'm happy to see you as well."

Looking at him - his content expression and relaxed posture - Lily knew she couldn't tell him her big news just yet. "How was the meeting with Dumbledore?"

His face changed immediately. "He has ideas about the situation that I do not agree with." He pulled her closer to him, tightly, and brought his face to hers, nuzzling her cheek. "He requires assurances from me that I do not wish to give."

She eyed him - looking for a clue of what he meant in his face, but it wasn't there.

He noticed her look however. "It was fine, but I won't be giving information to you." He looked away from her - at the empty fireplace. "I will be giving it directly to him."

"Oh." She wasn't really sure what to say. "Is that a good thing?"

His tone became harsher, but his gaze stayed at the gray logs in the hearth. "I don't know what it is. I'm not sure he completely trusts me."

She squirmed a bit. "Well, Sev, can you blame him?"

His face spun to hers so fast, Lily gasped. "I would hope you are not referring to-"

"No," she interrupted - unwilling to let him talk himself into a fury. "I wasn't. I was _referring _to the war and his responsibilities to the Order. But--" she held up her hand when he went to speak, "if you are this upset, I'd guess he went too far."

His face went blank and she knew something was happening behind his eyes - she could almost envision it as she stared into his wide, dark eyes.

His mouth opened and closed once before he frowned. Finally, he spoke, "Yes." He searched her eyes. "Thank you."

She smiled sadly, letting her hands move to his shoulders. "I am sorry you have to go through this."

He nodded curtly, but dismissed it with a wave. "A small sacrifice," he said, his voice low and deep - Lily felt it reverberate through her. He brought his lips to hers and she leaned into the kiss immediately, her emotions suddenly bubbling up to the surface, bringing tears to the corners of her eyes and a hitch to her breath. It disappeared as his tongue swept her mouth - replaced with a desire to hold Severus close - to show him exactly how much she appreciated his efforts.

He must have felt it as well - or it was the way she was pressing herself against him, but he opened the bookcase behind him without breaking the embrace, and they moved up the stairs together - hand in hand.

---

Lily may not have awoken at all that afternoon if the sun had not ended up right on her face. Stretching out across the empty bed, she wondered immediately where Severus was.

When she came down the stairs, she found him sitting in a large chair by the empty fireplace - a book in his lap and a glass of whiskey in his hand. He looked up as she padded in on her bare feet, moving to sit on his legs.

"Hi," she said, settiling his large book into her own lap. He was giving her a look she had honestly never seen from him before. "What?"

He glanced down at the book. "You were asleep for quite some time. Are you okay?"

She smiled widely. "Just a bit tired, I guess."

He licked his lips. "You've been sleeping quite a bit lately."

Lily shrugged. "I hadn't noticed." She could feel panic beginning to surface, but she remained calm - he was most likely simply concerned.

His hand slid over her arm. "You've lost some weight as well."

Again she shrugged. She slid her hands under his shirt to run them over his chest. It was both calming and exciting - Lily found her eyes closing and a long sigh escaped her.

Severus put his book on the table beside them carefully with his free hand. Then he slid it around her, hugging her close to him. She opened her eyes to find his glass of liquor in her lap.

"Would you like a drink?"

She desperately wanted to turn and look at him, but he had turned her so her back was against his front and she would have to turn way too far to see him. She felt the panic again and this time was unable to suppress it.

Unable to decide what else to do, Lily jumped up from Severus' lap. When she turned to look at him, he looked as startled as she felt.

She was frozen by his gaze. She wanted to run away, but looking into his eyes she knew she couldn't.

Severus finally stood and she cursed silently. He was almost six inches taller than her and would now be using that... He stood right in front of her, the eye contact not yet broken. His hands went to her hips, but just sat there tentatively.

"Lily, are you keeping something from me?"

She couldn't seem to look away...and the idea of lying to him while staring into his eyes seemed...ill-advised. "Sort of."

He frowned and looked away. She sighed. He looked back at her, but she looked down at his chest immediately, her hands playing with his shirt.

She finally spoke again. "If I tell you, will you tell me what Dumbledore did?" She looked up at him and saw the conflicting emotions in his face.

"That is hardly fair," he said softly, gesturing at the book on the table beside the chair. "I have a pretty good idea of your _affliction_."

She glanced at the book - Gray's Anatomy. She nearly laughed aloud. How like Severus to investigate in a large, old book - even a Muggle one. "You won't rely on your guess, Sev. You want to know for sure."

He didn't say anything for a long moment, just studied her as she continued playing with his shirt. "All right."

"You first," she said softly, laying her head against his chest. "I'm still a bit tired."

He sighed, but slid his arms around her. She closed her eyes, leaning into him, feeling more relaxed than she had since they had been together upstairs earlier.

"He began with Veritaserum. He was not convinced. I consented to Occlumency and..." She felt him swallow beneath her. "...he saw _everything_." His voice faltered and his grip on her tightened.

She looked up at him, but he was looking over her head. She saw the tensing of his jaw and lifted her hand to where his skin was flexing. He stopped immediately, glancing down to meet her eyes. They stayed that way for a long moment and Lily found some courage. After all, he had allowed someone who could certainly be considered a potential enemy of Severus' to dose him with truth serum and then probe his mind. She vaugely understood he must feel...exposed and she imagined there were more than a few things she didn't want the old man to see or know about her...

"I don't know if you have guessed my secret," she felt him tense in anticipation, "and I suppose it doesn't matter. When you know for certain, we will have to do something and deal with the consequences and--"

His lips cut her off and when she gasped in surprise, his tongue slid into her mouth. He held her so tightly, kissed her so deeply...she felt her knees weaken and held to him. He seemed so confident, so passionate, it tore at her heart.

Tears came to her eyes, surprising Lily. She recalled the healer telling her she would experience mood swings, but for goodness sakes. The ache in her chest spread and the tears began to fall down her face. Severus must have felt them - or tasted them - because he ended the kiss (Lily couldn't help but marvel that he knew how to do so now) and hugged her tightly.

"Sshh," he said, his voice rumbling through her chest, "please don't cry, Lily."

She began to laugh, even as the tears streamed down her face. Severus leaned away to look at her. The look on his face - complete and utter confusion - made her laugh even harder. The tears became tears of joy.

"Lily, are you okay?" he asked her and she nodded, trying to get a hold of herself.

It took several moments, but finally, she found her voice and her face was dry. "Sorry, but I'm...I'm pregnant." She wanted to say more, but nothing came to her. She closed her mouth and waited, looking at the collar of his shirt...too...something to look at his face.

After a long, silent moment, he grabbed her hands from his chest and took a step back. Her eyes met his and she was speechless.

His eyes traveled over her quickly before he moved her hands around his neck, stepped back to her and embraced her, his face pressing against her head. His voice was choked when he finally spoke. "I don't know what to say, Lily."

His response did not indicate anger - or disappointment, so Lily tried to relax in his arms. She knew he loved her. This was how it was supposed to be when you got pregnant - love, happiness, glee, joy, passion.

The hand stroking her back stilled and she pulled away to look at him. His eyes were dark and troubled, his lips a thin line. "You realize this changes everything." His arms tightened around her and he sighed heavily. "We should leave England."

Her breathing stopped. "No."

He held her tighter. "_Please_, Lily."

"It won't change anything, Sev. When Halloween comes, you'll become a hunted man if you aren't available to...him." She nuzzled his chest, wishing she could remove his shirt without moving away from him.

His voice was choked again. "We have to speak to Dumbledore."

She scoffed. "So he can see everything about me as well?"

"No," he said, his tone firm. "This will change my plans with him."

She pulled back immediately. "No."

He raised one eyebrow. "What?"

"No, this cannot change your plans. It changes mine some, but otherwise, we need to act as if everything was the same."

"Lily, this changes _everything_..." His eyes had softened and she found herself smiling. He had her in his arms again, looking down at her, a slight smile creeping over his thin lips. She couldn't help herself - she darted to kiss the tip of his nose. "Merlin help the child if my nose wins the genetic lottery over yours."

She smiled widely. "I wouldn't mind." He gave her a skeptical look. "Everyone would know he or she was yours and mind then..." She smiled shyly as she met his eyes. His eyes were glassy and slightly red and for a moment, Lily thought he might cry. Instead, he pressed his lips to hers.

When he pulled away a moment later, he whispered, his voice thick, "I love you, Lily."

She gasped instead of responding, as Severus swept her into his arms so quickly, she thought she might be sick.

She must have turned slightly green, because his eyes filled with alarm. "Sorry, I--"

She smiled. "I'm fine. Please...continue..." She threaded her arms around his neck and he clutched her tightly - securely - to him.

"Tell me if---"

"Hey!" she exclaimed, causing his mouth to gape. "Just take me upstairs!"

His smile nearly brought tears to her eyes again, but instead, she closed her eyes and held to him as he carried her up the stairs.

---

A/N: So...I am not 100% sure how I feel about this "turn." (What else is new, right?) When I write, I begin and then just let it come out. Is that odd? I don't know if that's how others do it, but I let the story unfold and if I hate it, I try again. So, this still isn't beta'd (I'm not well-versed in fan fiction ettiquette, so please forgive any mistakes). Oh and obviously, Severus & Lily aren't married...which makes that the number one MOST un-canon element of this story. I shudder to think that Severus died in the canon-universe a virgin. What a horrible fate for anyone--I don't refer solely to sex, but to the intimacy it can create - being loved by someone - really loved. To die without that is criminal. Enough ranting. I'll probably change this A/N if/when I edit the chapter again, but **THANKS SO MUCH** for the awesome reviews and all the faves and alerts. Things have been _really _rough lately (I've been told 27 is too young to have so many root canals...I say I was born with bad teeth) and it makes my day every time.


	9. Chapter 9

As soon as Lily woke, she heard Severus speaking to her. She didn't quite catch it though. She smiled at him as she stretched - noting his expression was blank, but his face was definitely paler than usual.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

His eyes narrowed and she held her breath. "Do you believe me to be a fool?"

Lily's mind went completely blank. "What?!"

"Are you, or are you not, pregnant with Potter's child?"

Lily sighed, trying to appear as relieved as possible. "Not possible. We didn't sleep together for almost three weeks before I was with you." She had counted back as well - there was no doubt it was close and it seemed to indicate it happened the first (or second) time.

She could see him relax, but they both knew he would not give up so easily - even though it was her.

"Lily, I couldn't stand it if you were lying to me. Are you absolutely sure?" He was looking at the wall - face turned from her. His voice betrayed no emotions and his face was hidden. Lily felt...alone.

"I have a doctor's appointment in a month or so. You can come with me. They will tell us how long I've been pregnant." She reached out to touch him - she could almost feel him pulling away from her and it reminded her far too much of times past.

He seemed to consider this and did not immediately shake off her hand - causing her heart to leap. Finally, he turned to her. "I will accompany you, of course, but I need to know something." He finally met her eyes and she tried to keep from overreacting - she wanted to shake him or weep into his arms, but knew that would not help the situation.

To her surprise, his hands covered her stomach suddenly, gently. He met her eyes. "No matter what, Lily - this is my child." He slid his hands over her bare skin, squeezing lightly. "No matter what. Do you understand?"

She was afraid to respond. He simply waited in silence, eyes dark and expectant.

Finally, she licked her lips. What was the worst that could happen? Lily was pretty sure the child was Severus's - after all, she would be three weeks further along if it was James' and... She shook her head, trying to dislodge the idea. Could she play dumb about this one thing if she indeed knew the truth? If James Potter's child happened to be growing inside her, would he be offended if she raised him with Severus Snape? Oh, goodness, that was a bloody stupid question.

She couldn't do it. Could she lie to him? No.

"Sev," she said, moving to put her arms around him, "I am so sure this is your child, I haven't even considered any other possibility until you brought it up. I can't believe you think I would try to trap you or fool you that way. Have you forgotten what happened back in July? I think my choice is clear."

He seemed torn - frustration obvious in his face - but he allowed her to embrace him and she knew he was softening. He nodded silently against her and she felt him kiss her neck as he stooped to hold her more tightly. He sighed heavily as she returned his tight embrace. The silence between them was thick and Lily knew without asking he was still angry.

"I think I got pregnant that very first time, Sev. We both forgot about a contraceptive charm or potion and I guess I was ovulating, because..." she shrugged against him, "...I hadn't slept with James for at least a few weeks before I brought you back to my home." She slid her hands under her shirt, over his lower back, pulling him against her. Tears were beginning to form now. "I need you to be here for me right now."

His silence caused her heart to break. She pulled away from him, tears blurring her vision, her hair in her face, her hands groping for his door.

She made it to the door knob before long thin hands went around her waist from behind. He turned her around, wrapped one long arm around her and grasped her face gently with the other - forcing her eyes to meet his. "I am sorry, but don't ever run away from me again, Lily." Her tears had dried enough to see him fully. He was definitely holding something back - his lips were spread so thin over his teeth she briefly wondered if he would start yelling. Instead, he sighed, closed his eyes and seemed to regain some control over himself. "You promised me we would try to discuss things instead of running away."

"I wasn't going to leave you."

"Why not?" He released her completely and she found herself leaning toward him immediately. He stepped back and sat on his unmade bed, his shoulders hunching, his gaze directed at the floor.

Lily was struck by the change in him - from angry Severus to defeated Severus in moments. She rarely evoked these sorts of mood swings in him and so was surprised every time he reacted this way.

She stood by the door for a moment before walking to the bed. She sat beside him, legs crossed. "I'm not sure I understand."

He gave her what she was sure was supposed to be a nasty look. "Unless the child has a large hooked nose or greasy hair, you will be able to pass it off as a Potter." He sneered at the name. "Believe me when I say you and your child will be far better off with him. He has the means and the connections to keep you alive through this war. I have nothing of the kind. I have nothing to offer you, Lily."

She was thunderstruck. Her brain tried to sort out his statement - to put some logic into it, some rationality, but her mind refused to latch onto any one idea or thought. Instead, she lifted his arm to slide beneath it and cuddle him. She felt better tucked against him, but she knew she would have to speak eventually. She slid her hands over the skin at his waist, one hand moving up over his slim chest, the other sliding down into his boxers. She wasn't really sure what she was doing - she was following some instinct she wasn't completely sure was correct...or _right_. She removed her hand from his chest and grabbed his hand, forcing it around her.

He immediately held her closer to him, his sudden response exactly what she had been seeking. His lips met hers and he did not protest as her hands moved to undo his trousers. He did not protest as she removed her nightgown and slid onto his lap. He kissed her slowly, carefully, his hands simply resting heavily on her lower back as she pressed her naked body against his, grinding against him, desperate for a response from him.

She pulled away from his mouth and whispered as she removed the last of his clothing - his passiveness making it more difficult than she could have imagined, "If you truly want me to stop, now is the time."

He made no move, just stared at her chest. His palm reached up and slid slowly over her bare skin - goosebumps erupting instantly. "Wow..." he said, starting to squeeze harder.

She winced. "They are quite sore," she said softly and for the first time in what seemed like forever - to her - he met her eyes. His grasp on her eased immediately and his hands slid around her again.

He seemed at a loss for words, but Lily was simply happy he was speaking and responding. She kissed him, her hands moving down his slim form as his tongue slid over her own. She moved up onto her knees, readying herself when she heard him whisper and she stilled.

"I love you, Lily."

Tears threatened again, but she pushed the emotions welling inside her as far down as she could, instead focusing on the deed at hand, sinking slowly onto her lover, her best friend...trying not to think, trying not to do anything but forget.

---

Lily found herself dreading the healer appointment. Severus seemed unnaturally excited about it - as if it would be answer to all his problems.

Lily was certain it would only create more.

He had met with Dumbledore a few days before the appointment. Lily knew he did not tell her everything about the meeting, but he had told Dumbledore that Lily was pregnant. It had seemed prudent, given the danger of the situation. The headmaster had agreed to consider the situation some before making any decisions. Severus was to meet with him again three days after the appointment.

They arrived together at St Mungo's, Severus following Lily as she made her way to the maternity ward. The overwhelming sound of infants was unmistakable and Lily felt a moment of panic. That would be her life soon.

She turned to grab Severus's hand and he smiled, squeezing it briefly before letting go. They shouldn't be seen together...she knew that.

The spell Healer Abshire used was complicated to say the least. Normally, Severus and Lily would have listened intently, trying to learn it. Instead, Lily held to Severus's clammy hand and silently prayed.

She felt the healer's hand on her abdomen then. He left it there for a long moment, then pulled away, to wash up and make a note on her scroll.

"Well," the young man said, appraising the two young people, "you are pregnant, Ms Evans. About ten weeks. You are due at the end of April. Everything seems perfectly fine. Would you like to know the sex?"

The silence that followed was broken finally by the redhead giggling. She turned to the dark-haired wizard, her eyes a bright, beautiful green, and said, her smile nearly distorting her words, "So we conceived at the end of July?"

The healer's eyebrows scrunched. "Yes, that sounds about right."

Lily felt her heart lift. She met Severus's eyes, hoping to see the same happiness she was feeling.

His eyes were cloudy and he was biting his lip. She did not understand. "Sev?"

He looked at her - startled.

"Do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?"

He gazed at her, but she wasn't sure if he had heard her. He just stared at her.

She turned to the healer. "Not right now. Next time. Thank you."

When they were alone again, Lily put her arms around Severus. He finally seemed to snap from his trance.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded slowly. "Sorry...I..."

She shook her head. "I understand. It's a lot of information."

He nodded again, his arms tightening around her. "I love you."

"I love you, too..." She hugged him tightly. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She saw his eyes clear and felt him relax a bit. "Yes, I need to speak with Dumbledore tonight."

She was immediately suspicious. "What? Why? Shouldn't we go home and celebrate?" She couldn't help but push her hips against his as she said it - her meaning clear hopefully. Her hormones were out of control.

He seemed preoccupied and did not respond to her advance. "We will, but after that..."

"No."

"No?" he seemed genuinely confused.

"Go see him now. You are distracted. I want all of your attention."

He met her eyes. "Okay. But I'm taking you home first."

She smiled at him. "My home or yours?"

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"Not yet."

He narrowed his eyes, but smiled slightly. "What's mine is yours. Or it will be."

She felt a flutter in her chest. "Okay, okay, enough teasing me. Take me home, Sev."

A/N: I amended chp 8--and forgot some of the typos...please forgive. Thanks for reading my other stories as well as this one - you all are awesome! This chapter feels very full of dialogue, which is sort of odd since right now the last thing I want is to talk to any one (that might be due to the root canal I just had). Of course reviews (including constructive criticism) are welcome. Oh and yes, this is sorta filler...next chapter will have more in it.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

The office was just as Lily remembered it - noisy and slightly claustrophobic despite the high ceilings. The multitude of portraits on the walls had the effect of making the room seem small, noisy and horribly...open.

"For the record, I am _not _pleased she has been included in this meeting." Severus regarded the man with a critical gaze.

Dumbledore appeared unaffected, merely nodding before turning to address Lily.

"First, allow me to congratulate you. Children are wonderful, don't you think?" The twinkle in his eye threw Lily off guard a bit. "I hear you are due at the end of April."

Lily felt Severus's grip tighten on her hand and she did not miss the look Severus gave the headmaster.

Infact, she could not ignore it. She turned to face Dumbledore. "Thank you, sir. We are quite happy...despite everything." She smiled, her free hand going to her flat belly without thought. "However, we are not here to discuss our son or daughter's future at Hogwart's. Please...get to the point."

Dumbledore showed no reaction to her curt words or slightly harsh tone, but nodded slightly. "Severus, would you prefer to tell her?"

Severus's face twisted, but softened as he turned to Lily. "There is a prophecy..." His mouth opened, but no sound emerged. He swallowed before continuing. "It is regarding a child born at the end of April." His voice faltered and she reached for his hand blindly as the tears began to fall.

"Tell me..." she whispered, her eyes locked on Severus. She was nearly paralyzed by sudden fear. It could only be something bad considering Severus's reaction and the cold calm coming from Dumbledore. Besides, who had ever heard of a positive prophecy?

She was fighting back utter panic when she saw the unshed tears glistening in Severus's black eyes. His voice cracked and the words came out as a whisper. "The headmaster was there..."

They both turned to the man. His long fingers were steepled in a familiar, yet foreboding, manner.

"During a meeting with a potential teacher, she gave a prophecy." He seemed to pause for effect, causing Lily's teeth to grit. _"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...Born as the fourth month dies to those who conceived without a wedding vow...and the Dark Lord will know not his ruin...When all is done, none shall remain."_

The silence following the last word seemed to ring in her ears. She tried to sort her thoughts, to quantify - rationalize what she had just heard. It meant little in the literal sense of things...she couldn't help but wonder why this was happening to her. Why was she meant to give birth to someone so special? Why couldn't she just have a normal, healthy child to love, care for and someday send to Hogwart's - where his first meeting with Dumbledore occurs because of his OWL results, not a prophecy. She knew her child would never be normal - never be left alone. Even if the Dark Lord never found out...even if they were able to keep the prophecy a secret...

Dumbledore would still know and as compassionate as he was trying to appear now, Lily could almost see the excitement behind his eyes. Maybe it was something else, but she suspected the headmaster was quite pleased a solution to the Dark Lord problem had arisen.

When Lily spoke, both men turned to her abruptly.

"Our child must be protected."

Dumbledore smiled at her. "My thoughts exactly. This meeting was to discuss the arrangements, Miss Evans."

Her head spun to Severus. "How long have you known?"

He was startled, but answered immediately. "Only a few days. Dumbledore felt I needed to know when I told him you were pregnant."

The pain in her chest nearly overwhelmed her then. She reached for Severus across the distance, their hands lacing together. "Oh, Severus...I am so sorry."

"What?" He looked concerned, rising from his chair to kneel in front of her - both completely ignoring the old man watching them closely. "What is it?"

Fat tears slid down her face, her hands moving to his cheeks. She suddenly - desperately - wished they were alone. She kept her voice low.

"You haven't been able to enjoy our...news...at all, Sev."

He looked completely taken aback. His dark eyes searched her face as she smiled sadly at him. He put his hands on her knees and leaned forward, her hands falling from his face to his collar. He spoke so softly, she wasn't sure at first that she had heard him.

"Thank you."

She hugged him tightly around his neck, his arms circling her to return the embrace. She pressed her face into his shoulder, letting her tears dry up as he held her, caressed her hair and kissed her cheek sweetly - almost self-consciously. They spent a few moments comforting each other this way before both seemed to remember their audience.

Lily turned to the headmaster. "What do we do now?" She did not release Severus completely, but he turned to the old man.

Dumbledore's expression had not changed. "You will need to go into hiding at least until the child is born."

Lily turned to Severus, who was staring at the headmaster with a blank expression on his face. "What do you want to do?"

He didn't look at her as he answered.

"Let's hear what arrangements the headmaster suggests and we will discuss it when we return home." He squeezed her. "We needn't overreact. We still have weeks before Halloween."

The cold dread she'd felt not long before was strong then. She swallowed heavily. "Okay."

Severus addressed Dumbledore. "Please continue."

"As far as I know, Voldemort is unaware of the prophecy. Obviously, that works in our favor, but it may change with time. We cannot assume he will remain ignorant. I think complex wards on the place you stay will be enough for now, unless there is a more compelling threat. Of course, I am getting ahead of myself."

Severus stood abruptly. "Sir, you know I am expected to report at the end of October."

"Yes, Severus, you have made that clear. I also realize Lily will not be able to stay in your home much longer."

"What?!"

Severus went paler than usual. "We did discuss this, Lily. It won't be safe for you or the child."

Lily fought not to curse both men, anger bubbling up in her unbidden. How dare they treat her like a helpless child - shuffling her around without asking what she wanted or if-- Her thoughts were interrupted.

"I will find you a place to stay, Lily." Dumbledore's words only enflamed her further.

"Damn it!" Lily startled them both, but ignored it. "I will _not _have the two of you planning my life - or the life of _our _child -" she looked pointedly at Severus "- without me. Understood?"

Severus nodded silently, his eyes riveted to her.

"Good," she said, feeling a bit calmer at once. "Sir, I know Sev here has tried to keep our relationship quiet, but I seriously doubt it hasn't been noticed that I am staying at Spinner's End. At the very least, people are aware I am no longer with James Potter and if anyone bothered to find out who I am with now..."

"Yes," Dumbledore said finally, after the silence had stretched on almost too long. "Unfortunately, it is likely Voldemort is quite aware of your relationship. I doubt he knows you are pregnant, however, and I think we need to keep it that way."

"Will it matter? When I start to show---"

Severus interrupted her - Lily's heart clenched at the sight of him. His face was still so pale. "You'll be in hiding before then."

She grabbed his hand. "With you?" He seemed to wince.

Dumbledore answered for Severus. "The two of you will have to decide. I have two options I feel are feasible for all involved."

Lily couldn't help but dread hearing the headmaster's options. Severus sat in his chair again, but kept his hand clasped to Lily's. She was grateful for it.

"The simplest answer would be to place you both in hiding until the birth. At that time, the situation could be re-evaluated."

Lily knew this was the "easy" option. Next would be the difficult one.

"There are drawbacks to that choice obviously. I will not elaborate now, but know that if Severus does not become available when his services are requested, they will seek him out."

She heard Severus sigh and rubbed her thumb over the firm skin of his hand.

"If the two of you were to split - prior to Lily showing - and she married an Order member, she could pass off the child as someone else's. If Voldemort heard the prophecy, the child would be overlooked."

Lily felt nausea and anger washing over her and she stood, eyes blazing - hair flying around her. "How dare you?! He came to you for help - to help you too - and you...you..." She was vaguely aware of Severus standing up beside her, his arms going around her, soothing words coming from his lips.

She shook him off. "What? Are you agreeing with him? Are you mad?"

Severus was nearly cowering. "No...but it's a sensible solution, Lily."

"No!" She pushed him away from her. "I won't. I can't. You do realize what he's implying, don't you?" She grabbed his shoulders. "He wants me to leave you for James. Surely, you see that."

There was absolutely no response from Severus. He simply stood, staring at the floor.

"Fine," she whispered, not sure what to do. She wanted to run away - run to the edge of Hogwart's and disapparate...where, she didn't know. But Lily had promised Severus she would not run away. "I think you and I need to go home, Severus. We can discuss it there."

He met her eyes and took her outstretched hand. Together, they turned to the headmaster.

Lily meant to say something cool and polite - dismissive if possible - but couldn't do it. Instead, she just nodded at him, eyes locked on the old man's hands. She refused to let the tears in her eyes fall now. She didn't want Dumbledore to see her cry any more than he already had.

"Good day, sir," Severus said quietly before leading Lily from the room.

---

Severus paced in the sitting room of Spinner's End as Lily sat in the chair by the dead fireplace, fiddling with the hem of her skirt.

Neither had spoken since apparating into the house. Lily had tried, but every time she had choked up.

Suddenly Severus stopped, moving to kneel before her. His expression was unreadable, but she knew he was fighting something by the way his jaw was set.

"Lily," he said, his hands sliding over her knees to her thighs, her skirt moving up her legs along with his fingers. "More than anything I want you to be safe - more than I want to be happy, more than I want to hold my child in my arms...and if you and..." His hands covered her stomach gently, "...are safer without me, then..." He turned his face away.

Lily bit her lip. She absolutely hated his self-sacrificing tendencies, especially because she _knew _underneath his words of resignation, he was secretly (desperately) hoping she wouldn't leave him.

She sure as hell didn't want to.

"I really don't want to lose you," she finally said and he turned to her, skeptical. "I'd rather be alone than raise our child with Potter. You must know he would be awful to our child."

At this he smiled a bit, his long hands still resting on her belly. "Okay."

The relief she felt caused her eyes to slid shut and her hands to cover his on her stomach. "I love you."

She felt him stand and lift her up under her arms, so her face was level with his, chests pressed together tightly. She didn't open her eyes, savoring the feeling of his breath on her face.

"I love you, too..." He placed soft, wet kissed on her face, "...you are having my child, after all." His lips met hers, preempting her words, and she ignored the tears she felt forming as his tongue slid into her mouth, her arms tightening around his neck for stability and to be as close to him as she could.

He moved to kiss her neck, freeing her mouth.

"We need to discuss what to do in October, Sev..." Her voice becoming lost as his long fingers moved beneath her skirt. All rational thought, words and reasoning slipped from her mind as her knickers fell to the floor.

---

Lily threaded her fingers through Severus's dark hair, feeling the strands sliding over her fingers. She had cried as they had made love. He hadn't mentioned it, instead he lay cuddled against her after, his head tucked under her arm. She felt comforted by his presence, by his hands moving reverently over her bare skin, by his allowing her to hold him instead of vice versa.

She couldn't help but ruin the silence.

"Sev, would you go into hiding with me?"

His hand stilled on her breast, his fingers caressing the swollen skin gently. "Are you certain?"

She sighed. "Of course."

"If you are convinced, I see no other choice."

She tightened her embrace, wrapping her legs around him as well as her arms. "You would let me marry Potter?"

His voice was strained. "I would do what is right for you and our child."

"I need you to be more selfish...more self-absorbed, Severus. You are going to be a father. Your survival is as important as my own."

His hands covered her abdomen - it seemed to be his new favorite place to rest his hands. "We both know that isn't true."

"I'm already an unmarried mother, Severus--must I be a single mother as well?!" She tried to push him off of her, ready to get off the bed. He kept her in place with a gentle push. Their eyes met and she found her voice had deserted her.

"Lily, please, stop this."

"What? I don't understand. Stop what?"

He shook his head, his dark eyes locked to hers. She was holding her breath, waiting for him to answer.

"He or she will never be born if you are not kept safe."

She scoffed, her heart aching. "The prophecy basically states nothing can be done. I am having this child as a sacrifice, Severus. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"No," he said, his voice steady and harsh. "It can be interpreted in different ways. It doesn't have to mean--"

She grabbed his upper arm tightly. "You heard Dumbledore. 'None shall remain.' That seems pretty explicit to me, Sev."

He shook his head. "No. I won't allow it."

Her expression softened immediately. "Nothing can be done, Sev...really. We need to keep junior safe and maybe..."

His eyebrow lifted. "Dumbledore did mention when we met alone that there was one other child who might fit the prophecy."

"What?!" She was suddenly so annoyed, she wanted to scream. "Why didn't he say anything to me?!"

"I don't know," Severus said softly, bringing his hand to her face. He wiped away her tears, his crooked smile sad and gentle. "He seems sure the prophecy refers to our child."

"Who is the other couple?"

"I don't know," Severus said, his lips pressing against her cheek, "but I will find out."

"Thank you," she whispered, turning to kiss him. "When will you meet with Dumbledore next?" She was finding it more and more difficult to concentrate as his lips slid over her face and his hands moved down her body, over her smooth skin.

"Next week..." His voice trailed as he moved his lips to her earlobe. "When do you return to the healer?"

"Another month or so," she whispered, eyes heavy, hands moving down his sides and over his back as he moved over her. Lily found she had no energy...the day had caught up with her finally.

"Mmm..."

"You know we'll have to actually discuss what we are going to do," she said softly - trying to keep her voice light and easy.

He groaned, kissing her forehead before replying. "I know..." He lay beside her then and Lily was surprised at the loss she felt. She liked having him hovering above her.

Neither spoke for a few moments, their hands lacing together between them, shoulders touching as they lay side-by-side in the twin bed.

Finally, he cleared his throat. "Dumbledore has not said where we would be hiding, but I imagine he would wish to keep us under his watchful eye." His long fingers moved through her shorter ones over and over. "I don't think he is being honest with me, but I don't know why or about what."

"Yes, he does give that impression," she said softly, biting her lip in thought.

"We will have to disappear. When I don't appear at Halloween..."

"I know. We will make it work. We have to." She turned to meet his eyes and for a moment, she felt an intense wave of anger. She had finally found a purpose - something greater than herself - something good and _right _and she had helped to create it. Her life had a meaning. She wouldn't let Severus ruin it for her.

His response eased her worries. "Of course." It was said as if no other answer was possible. She met his eyes.

"Really? You will go with me?"

He held her gaze and she knew he was being honest and true. "Yes."

The tears came rushing from her eyes immediately. She grabbed him and pulled him to her, no thoughts coming to her except to kiss him...to feel his lips on hers and his tongue in her mouth.

---

A/N: So...yeah. Husband has finally gotten well enough to leave the house, so I've been working on this story (and others - my new favorite ship: Marcus Flint/Katie Bell, so don't be surprised if you see something from me about the Slytherin & Gryffindor). Hope ya'll like the story so far---the end is nigh.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: So you know, I am not rushing through this. I did read chapter ten three times and the entire story all the way through to ensure continuity and sense. Thank you.

Everyday life took on a surreal quality after Lily learned of the prophecy. Waking beside Severus seemed like a gift. Eating a meal with him made tears come to her eyes. She knew her hormones were causing most of her mood swings, but she was at their mercy. It made for beautiful, sweet moments with Severus and awful, frightening depression when he was away. She hated the need she was developing for him - she could not even nap without him nearby - but fighting it seemed to make it worse.

The evening before Severus was to meet with Dumbledore again, Lily lay in his bed, watching him pace. Every few moments, he would stop and stare at her, then begin pacing once more.

Lily sighed heavily, wiping the tears from her eyes. She had to try and get ahold of herself. She adjusted her nightgown, pulling the blanket tighter around her. She kept getting hot, then cold - it was infuriating.

"Severus, please come to bed," she said softly, her voice barely rising above the sound of his boots on the floor. He was still dressed, but after a moment of contemplation, he sat on the bed to remove his shoes and socks. He stood to remove his trousers and shirt before slipping under the covers beside her. They had to lay intertwined due to lack of space, but Lily preferred it that way. His thin leg between hers as they lay facing each other made her think dirty thoughts. Or maybe it was another part of him pressing against her. Or the hormones.

Either way, Lily slid her hands into his hair, fingers pressing against his scalp with steady pressure. She let her thumbs linger over his temples, his eyes sliding shut. His face relaxed under her fingers and she moved to kiss him. He kept his lips shut as she tried to push her tongue in his mouth and she pulled back, surprised.

His eyes opened and she was held by his gaze. "Tomorrow we find out where we will be hiding. Aren't you concerned at all?"

She was surprised by his response, but did not change her intentions. She slid her hands from his head to pull his body closer to hers. "Of course. However, worrying about it won't change a thing, Sev."

"If we aren't pleased with his offer, we could leave on our own."

She kissed from his chin to the corner of his mouth, taking her time. "Perhaps," her voice huskier than she intended - her body was almost acting separately from her mind, "but we would be safer with Dumbledore's support."

His eyes closed as their lips met and he let her sweep her tongue into his mouth. She slid her tongue over his crooked tooth - for old time's sake, if nothing else - and felt his grasp tighten on her. He seemed to be relaxing even more and she couldn't help but smile as he kissed her back. Her body's response to his lips and tongue still surprised her. After the weeks together, the hormones she couldn't control and the news that their happy accident was to vanquish the darkest wizard in the world...well...the entire situation was overwhelming to say the least. Instead of pushing them apart, however, it had brought them closer together. Lily could breathe easier when able to feel Severus's firm flesh under her hand.

She briefly wondered if her dependence on him was right. She quickly dismissed the thought. Their relationship was not normal by any standards and so new rules would have to be applied to their family - her hands going to her belly...the word echoing in her head..._family_.

Severus seemed to consider the conversation at an end by the way he was kissing her, his hands sliding under her nightgown with expertise Lily was _very_ pleased he had acquired. She ignored all her other thoughts as the nightie was flung to the floor.

---

Lily waited anxiously for Severus to return from Hogwart's. She found it nearly impossible to stay awake sitting in the stiff chairs in the sitting room, so she had moved to the kitchen - the small table just big enough for two. Severus had given her a book to read while he was away. She smiled as she re-read the title, A Witch's Guide. It was an older book - thick and dusty, but she was looking forward to reading it - even if it was not completely current. There was a drawing of a flower on the opening page. She thumbed through it, laughing at the old-fashioned ideas and careful avoidance of words such as "pregnant" or "uterus." She heard the sound of the floo and jumped up to meet Severus.

He was standing before the tiny liquor cabinet (a part of a cabinet really), pouring what appeared to be his second slug of amber liquid into a glass. He put it back quickly before turning to her. His eyes were red and his face was pale, but Lily couldn't tell if he was angry or sad. She stepped toward him, arms outstretched.

"How did it go?"

Severus laughed. It made Lily's blood run cold. She lowered her arms and stopped short of him.

"Dumbledore has a cottage we can stay at until after the birth - apparently, one of the Order members will come to help with labor and then..." He finished his third drink and slammed the glass onto the table. "Then I will take a job at Hogwart's. That will keep our child - and us, I suppose - neatly under Dumbledore's thumb." His eyes were blazing, his fists clenching and unclenching.

She reached for him slowly - afraid to scare him off or upset him. His eyes shut when her hands wrapped around his wrists and she put them around her, stepping into his arms. She reached up, sliding her hands around his neck. "And that troubles you?"

He hugged her tightly then, her breath leaving in a gasp. She clutched back with matched fervor without knowing why. Finally, he whispered into the silence. "Regulus Black is dead."

She stilled in the embrace - unsure what to do. She was honestly not sure of Severus's relationship to the young Slytherin, but her thoughts immediately went to Sirius. For all his posturing and blustering, she imagined he would be upset to have lost his younger brother.

"What happened?" she asked softly, not releasing her tight grip on him.

His voice was soft, but angry. "All I know is he was...unhappy with his choices - there was something he wanted to discuss with me, but I...I didn't have the time and then I was with you and then..." She thought a sob escaped Severus, but she wasn't sure. "All they know is he left and did not return. His house elf appears to know Regulus won't be returning to Grimmauld Place, but refuses to say why. Dumbledore suspects..." This time, Lily could not deny the emotion choking his words. She was definitely not aware of Severus's relationship with Black.

She held his head against her, trying to impart comfort. He pulled back to meet her eyes and Lily was surprised to see he was not crying. He looked furious. She must have appeared frightened. He smiled at her, but it was forced and they both knew it. It left his face immediately, replaced by nothing at all. He no longer appeared angry or sad...simply blank. That frightened her far more than the anger.

"Sev?"

He seemed to snap out of it, turning to meet her eyes. She sighed with relief to see the affection in his gaze. "I should have spoken to him. I could have--"

Lily stopped him with her hand on his mouth. His eyes widened and she hid a sad smile. "There was nothing you could do, Sev. I am so sorry. He was so young...but...I hope you don't regret spending the time with...me..."

He shook his head. "No no no...I just..." He sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear, kissing her softly before smiling sadly. "I can't help but think of what will happen when I am nowhere to be found come Halloween, Lily. What if I disappear like Regulus? What if you disappear?" At this, his eyes seemed to gloss over - Lily realised it was tears.

"We're going to do something to prevent that, Severus. All we can do is try our best."

He nodded, but buried his face in her neck. She didn't feel the wet tears she expected, just his soft lips and the pointed tip of his nose. She held him that way for quite some time - aware of the way he held her, clung to her, kissed her neck. She couldn't think of anything but comforting him - in truth, she was beyond relieved at Dumbledore's suggestion. It was not ideal, but she and Severus together - alone - for six months - safe - or as safe as could be expected - she was almost excited.

Regulus's death was a frightening development. It was not a good sign. She knew it would weigh on Severus and that alone caused her heart to ache. The idea their family might end up the same way made her want to be ill. She couldn't help but think of Regulus - her last memory of him was vague, but he had been so _small _- and the idea of his life ending so early caused tears to well in her eyes.

Severus took a small step back - black eyes locked to green, and knelt, still holding to her hand. Her eyebrows pulled together and her head tilted to one side.

"Lily, despite the terror and uncertainty of our future, I cannot imagine spending it with anyone else. Please forgive me for not doing this sooner. Marry me and you will make me the happiest wizard in the world."

The grin on her face was almost painful and her hands were shaking as she reached for him - lowering onto her knees to meet him, to hug him, to kiss him. She could see nervous he was - he was trembling - but he began to relax as they snogged, her hands forcing their way through his robes and shirts to his skin. She exposed his firm, flat stomach, then quickly yanked up her own shirt to press her noticeably softer stomach against his. She adored the skin to skin - needed it, especially now. She was kissing him, trying to undress him, but he grabbed her wrists suddenly, almost painfully.

"Well?" he said abruptly, his eyes suddenly unfamiliar. She simply stared back at him - feeling momentarily irritated.

Then she remembered where she was and what he was asking. "Of course, yes."

He hugged her to him, his long arms wrapping around her, pinning her against him. He murmured into her hair, softly, voice deceptively calm. She wished she could see his face. "Lily, nothing would please me more than to make you my wife, but I will not marry you simply because you are pregnant with my child."

She thought she would choke on her next words, but she forced them out somehow. "Would you really refuse to marry me, Severus?" _What was she doing? _She was poking the dragon - kicking the hinkypunk...definitely asking for trouble.

He seemed genuinely surprised at the question, but she could hear the effort in his soft tone of voice. "I am in love with you, Lily. Perhaps you love me, but aren't _in _love." She felt his arms tighten around her - probably so she wouldn't look at his face. "There is no reason to marry if you would rather not. Convention cannot dictate our lives. We could raise...him or her...together - unmarried."

"I don't want that. I want to marry you, Sev," she couldn't help but force him to look at her - to meet her eyes. He was not hiding his fear and she knew how incredibly afraid he must be. "The bond of marriage would better protect us both, as well as junior." She rubbed her cheek against his before meeting his eyes again. He seemed to have relaxed minutely, but she continued to nuzzle him, whispering to him, ("I love you" "I can't live without you") and finally, his mouth met hers - and she knew he understood - he must have. His tongue moved possessively in her mouth, his hands tightening on her, hips pressed against her.

"I'm sorry, Lily, so sorry..." His hands moved into her hair as he brought his lips to hers. "I am a fool - you know me too well." His kisses were getting hotter, deeper...Lily could feel her body responding to him even though she wanted to ask him one more thing - just one last question. But her mouth was occupied and she listened to him whisper to her. "I would marry you if you wanted me to...even if you refused to speak to me...if you despised me...if you were carrying the child of a bloody Hufflepuff...I am yours, Lily..." The dull ache in her chest sharpened as they sank further to the floor. She sat on his lap, her knees smacking the wood floor.

She didn't feel it - his hand had found it's way into her knickers - all she could focus on was the tension building within as his long, slightly rough fingers stroked her. She pressed against him - needing to feel more - to feel whole before losing herself completely.

Suddenly he stopped - moved her off of him - stood and gave her a sweet, crooked smile - one she hadn't seen in far too long.

"I love you." It gushed from her and he took her hand, pulling her toward the stairs leading to the second floor. She resisted, instead pulling him into her arms. "Maybe we could light a fire...put out a few blankets."

He seemed resistant for a moment, but nodded and moved away from her.

Within five minutes, Severus and Lily sat before a warm fire - the chairs in the sitting room moved away to make room for a blanket Severus laid out. They settled onto it together - his arms around her, their lips meeting with passion and warmth.

"So we'll be married?" She said it softly - wanting nothing more than confirmation - to hear him say it.

"Whenever you would like."

"Tomorrow?"

His head pulled from her neck, lips slightly parted. "Really?"

"Absolutely. Why wait? Dumbledore can perform the bonding."

He scoffed at the name, looking away. "I wish I could give you the large wedding in white robes--"

Her hand covered his mouth and she shook her head. "There are more important things, Sev." She grabbed his hands, bringing them to her stomach. "Please believe me."

He searched her eyes - she let him - it was easier than shying away now. "As self-deprecating and self-sacrificing as I can be, as you have pointed out, if you want me, I...I cannot say no." His gaze was so steady it made her uncomfortable for a moment.

She smiled uneasily, her hands sliding into his hair. "I figured."

His eyes darted to the fire so she couldn't see his face. She tried tugging his head to her, but he put up resistance. She just kneaded his scalp...waiting.

When he finally looked at her again, his face was blank. She kept her face as neutral as she could. She wasn't struck by how nervous she was about what he might say.

"If you break my heart _now_, Lily..." He trailed off. She met his eyes defiantly - with a confidence she hadn't tapped into in some time.

"I know exactly what I am doing. Tomorrow, I will marry the father of my child - an important child...not because of some prediction or unique circumstances. Our child is important because it is _ours_." She squeezed him to emphasize - he was trembling. "I haven't lost my mind or given up _anything_ I truly wanted for this. I will go away willingly - with you."

Lily saw the tear fall from Severus's eye and couldn't help but grab it with her fingertip. "Don't be sad," she whispered.

He shook his head, his lips nuzzling her jawline. "I...ah, my dear, sweet Lily, you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into."

She smiled. "I have a pretty good idea."

He kissed her, his hands moving back into her knickers, her small hands pushing his shirt off of him - desperate for skin contact - the fire warm, but his skin seemed so much warmer. She needed to feel it.

He moved away, peeling off his shirt, then hers with quick, efficient movements. "Come here..." he growled at her, pressing his torso to hers and his lips to her face. "...I love you, Lily."

She smiled, returning his kisses and thrusting hips. "I love you, too." Her eyes slid shut and she focused on how much fun it was going to be to christen this depressing, gray room - to come home forever after (however long that might be) and think of her and Severus moving together - as one - his soft moans bouncing off the fireplace, then absorbed by the books lining the walls. Her sighs were becoming groans, but all she could hear was his voice - his pleasure.

---

Approaching the gates of Hogwart's, Lily straightened her robes. During dinner hour, Dumbledore would perfom the bonding - basically an Unbreakable Vow - by the lake.

The short hair and stature of the wizard at the gates made it clear Severus had not come to meet her.

She held her head high as she approached Potter, but did not meet his eyes. He waited silently until she touched the gates before opening them for her.

It had not been all that long since Lily had last seen Potter, but he looked even worse, if that was possible. She was struck by how old he appeared...as if he had taken to smoking giant cigars in a tiny room or taking a rotten aging potion...both of which Lily knew he wouldn't do.

Her curiousity got the better of her. "Are you all right, Potter?"

His eyes narrowed and the corner of his mouth twitched. It drew her attention immediately - she stared at the spot - waiting for it to happen again. Instead, he spoke - the words turning his mouth ugly. "Imagine my horror to be requested as a witness for the bonding of my..." She watched him swallow heavily - and his lip twitched. "...of you and...and him."

His words were meant to wound, but Lily felt nothing. No, she wanted to feel nothing. She was sad...and angry. She couldn't bear to see James so hurt - the dark circles beneath his hazel eyes, the stubble on his chin - even the way his slightly pouty lip twitched - it projected exactly what she could feel emanating from him - pain.

She deserved it, though. It was all her fault.

"James, I'm sorry you were asked. I can't fathom why Dumbledore--"

"Longbottom and I are the only ones available." He stepped forward. "I'm sure he knew that."

"No," she said softly, searching his eyes for a glimmer of the old James Potter - the young man who was more than ready to live life to the fullest and could have fun in any situation. He was known for his easy smiles. Where was the lighthearted laugh despite the grim circumstances?

He was so close now - she felt the panic, but was frozen to the spot by the look in his eyes.

"I chose the date," she whispered.

James stepped forward again, grabbing her wrist in his overly warm hand. "It would be easier if he was using you." She felt her face twist, but he didn't stop. "Then there might be hope. Have you ever tried to live without hope, Lily?" He released her wrist and stepped back, averting his eyes in the process. "I hope you know what you're doing. I can't let you get hurt."

She pulled her shoulders back. "Please don't worry about me, Potter. I am no longer your concern." His eyes snapped to hers so quickly, she almost looked away. Instead, she held his gaze - letting the moments tick by, letting her words sink in.

A voice behind her forced her to break eye contact with the wizard before her...who showed no sign of looking away.

"Time to go, Lily." Turning to the voice, her face as blank as possible, she headed for Severus's outstretched arms. She couldn't imagine what was occurring - silently - between the two men, but after only a moment or two, she and Severus began the walk to the lake.

---

Lily knew his silence was a bad sign - his face gave it away. His lips were compressed into a thin line, eyes narrowed. When her feet started to drag and she felt him pulling on her arm, she stopped in her tracks. He sighed heavily, his hands becoming fists as they fell to his sides.

"Nothing happened, Severus."

He glared at her - anything sweet or soft gone as if it had never been there at all. His voice was as harsh as she'd ever heard it.

"Are you still in love with him?"

"With Potter?"

"Of course with Potter! Is there someone else I need worry about?"

"No."

"No? I saw how he was looking at you - and for how long. I admit I am a fool, but I'm not bloody stupid."

"I don't like to see him like that, Severus. Surely even you can see how he's hurting."

He scoffed. "You seem to forget I was in his place not long ago. I was looking at the remainder of my life without you." His eyes widened - something obviously snapping into place - and the tension he held began to ease. He reached for her and she went to him - feigning reluctance. As soon as his arms were around her, she couldn't help but hug him tightly. "It _would_ be me in his place if not for..."

"We would've been friends again eventually, Sev. I doubt I could go my entire life without you - at least as my friend."

His arms tightened around her. "That wouldn't be enough for me now, Lily." His serious tone surprised her. "I...I would be nothing without you." He kissed her cheek. "How can you not see how you affect me...or...Potter?"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, Lily..." His long fingers slid over her cheek as he tucked her hair behind her ear. "So beautiful...so naive."

"I am not!" Severus raised one eyebrow. "Oh and you are so mature, aren't you, Severus Snape?" She fought her frustration - a noise coming from her not unlike a growl. "You never answer my questions!"

He seemed slightly uncomfortable, but wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Lily, my love, my dearest...he is still in love with you."

She shook her head. "I think he's sore he lost his girlfriend to someone he sees as an enemy. That is a serious blow to his ego."

Severus was fighting a smirk - it made her smile. "I am certain. For that reason, as well as others, I would think he is waiting for the right time to try again...to try to take you away from me again."

She ran her hands over his robes. "Oh stop."

He hugged her tightly, pinning her arms, her face smashed against his chest. "Once was enough."

Glancing up, she was mesmerized by his eyes. She could stare into them for days and never find a bit of color. Now she saw the sunset reflecting in his eyes and couldn't look away.

"I won't let you go again."

"You won't need to, Severus."

---

A/N: So, I was going to end the chapter after the ceremony, but boy is this one long chapter! Plus, the next part is written but not typed and it's getting late and blah blah blah. There is a direction here - and an ending. Thanks so much for reading and Happy Valentine's Day!


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